Our guest, Nico Lagan, is the powerful voice for traditional masculine values. He pulls from ancient wisdom and religious texts to provide a tried and true definition of masculinity. What makes Nico stand out is that he shares this traditional view without being toxic. He speaks to the male role of provider, protector, and leader in a way that inspires rather than shames.
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[Music] Mark azoulay is an industry leader in
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Psychotherapy and men’s mental health he’s helped countless guys get back on their feet deepen their relationships
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and Excel in their lives now he’s taken all that he has learned and is sharing it with you in each episode Mark will
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interview an expert in the field of masculinity and men’s work we’ll cover topics such as emotional intelligence
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masculine identity anger management Financial Health trauma recovery marriage and divorce ethics and
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spirituality tune in and become a better man welcome back to the men’s therapy podcast I’m here with Nico Logan he’s a
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men’s coach an entrepreneur and a social media strategist um you can find this stuff at nikol lag.com Nico I’m excited
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to have you on the show I taking a look at some of your material um listening to some of your podcast you got a lot of
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great stuff uh thank you it either goes both it either goes
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two ways either love it or you’re completely against it because I’m very outspoken I don’t shy my words I’m not
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worried about what people think I say what needs to get said when it needs to get said so I appreciate that yeah and I
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think it’s a needed voice I mean you’re out there advocating for traditional masculine values um and traditional gender roles and it’s it’s a voice
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that’s needed in the current culture right because I think it’s really confusing to be a modern man right now I
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agree and that’s a dangerous expression to use gender rules people people I’m
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just messing with you people don’t like that people don’t like that one but let me be very clear there are gender roles
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there are differences between men and women and un unlike what people think me
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being a masculine man does not take away from my girlfriend being a feminine
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woman on the contrary we are meant to compliment each other we’re meant to
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polarize each other and you can see today in society and especially in
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relationships that we’re all trying to be the same trying to convince ourselves that there’s no differences between men
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and women that a man can be a woman and a woman can be a man but nothing can be further from the truth and it’s time we
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go back to a place where we do understand that we are meant to be
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together if you look at the way we raise kids research upon research upon
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research will show you that kids need a nucleus family they need both parents
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because both of them offer something different one is not better than the other we simply complement each other
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and the research proves it to be a fact so however you feel about it is irrelevant it is still a fact and
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hopefully we’ll get back I have hope I’m a faithful guy so I hope that I know we’ll get back there at one point so
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hopefully faster than sooner than later hopefully for sure yeah there’s all those kinds of research on gender
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differences and again like to highlight right different but equal right I think that’s a part where people don’t get
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where they think that just because there’s different one has to be better than another what I’m hearing you say and I agree it’s about that polarity
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it’s about that you know covering both bases right like we’re not able to do everything as men and women aren’t able
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to do everything as women but we need each other and it’s the combination that I think is really powerful you look at
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the ying and yang in Buddhism that’s exactly what it is you could see men and women as two sides of the same of the
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same coin we one is needed for the other and again you know I I read this
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somewhere I cannot remember where but the guy was saying that a man protects
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his wife not because she is weak but because she is
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important and see I I love it too and I wish I knew it’s one of those anonymous
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quote that I found somewhere but it’s so true the fact that you know my
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girlfriend’s 110 pound I’m 210 pounds I’m a big guy she’s a small girl guess
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who protects who in this situation but it’s not only that she expects it from
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me she expects me to put myself in arms way to protect her because this is the
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duty of a good man and at the same time my girlfriend takes cares of me like she
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is the one that I work 12 to 16 hours a day she normally gets food ready she
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normally like how many times am I at my desk uh just working away she’s like oh do you want more you want more coffee do
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you you want to refill on your tea this in no way shape or form am I saying that my girlfriend’s jobs to be in the
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kitchen but men love things women love
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people this is there’s a good reason why 90% of Engineers are men
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and why almost 90% of nurses are women women want to care for people that’s
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what they do there’s a good reason you know I say this as a joke and hopefully it’s not insulting for anybody out there
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but can you imagine as a man carrying a baby for nine months and not wanting to kill it when it came out yeah see I say
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that all and I always so inconvenient so inconvenient but yet a woman will go
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through all that pain all that suffering and give her enough time she every
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single one out there will tell you that was the best experience they’ve ever lived right and that’s the thing right
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like they’re getting fed through connection it doesn’t have to be servitude or being inferior or all these
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things which I think a lot of women through feminist movements have been told to believe that that they’re like in some way under men right they’re
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oppressed we oppress women right where there is some natural connection love there right like it’s how they express
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love and it’s it when you look at it it’s so ironic because you look at the
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you look at the society we live in all 95% of all the dangerous work is done by
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men all the work that nobody wants to do is done by men why because they feel the
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need to provide so it’s ironic that you have a bunch of feminists today today that
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looks at men and say we don’t need you but fail to understand that remove all
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those men that do all that work behind the curtains that you’re not aware of because you’re not involved in it
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Society crumbles the society we live in was built on the back of Good Men on
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their blood and their sacrifice and how many times do you meet men that’s done
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job for 30 years that they absolutely hated just because they wanted to take care of their families and I don’t think
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there’s anything more Noble in a man to want to serve his family want to be
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selfless to a point where his feelings have just take a backseat to his duty to
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his family and you know Chris Rock said it best only women children and dogs are
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ever love unconditionally men are only love on the
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base that we bring something to the equation and it’s true it sucks most men
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don’t like it most men don’t like to hear the fact that we’re disposable but at the end of the day we are accepted
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brother because we are this is a fact we are disposable the expression that says
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men and uh Women and Children First just proves it and yeah there’s a
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reason why 92% of police officers and firemen are men there’s a good reason
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when when it hits the fan who do you call a good man that’s ready to die to
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save you this is just just coded in our DNA to want to be protectors and to
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provide both financial and emotional stability for our children and our
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family for them to be able to grow for them to be able to enjoy their lives how
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is this bad like how is me saying this takes anything away from my girlfriend
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or my wife it encourage her to be feminine this is by me embracing my
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masculinity I’m basically saying to my girlfriend you can be as feminine as you
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want to be because I will take care of this side you take care of the other and
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together we will be better yeah I think that’s really well said I love the
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examples and stats there and I think this conversation can last a long time I want to dive into your story first
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though before we dig into some of these topics Came Out Swinging which I I love I love it I always do bro I I was I’m
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always ready for this so so tell me a little bit about you how did you get into this work what’s your personal
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relationship with masculinity how did it grow and change over time you know that’s that’s the most interesting part
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that it’s very cool when you start getting self-aware and you start looking at your
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life because I wrote my first book this year and I’m writing my second one right now and I’ve been writing forever like
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always stuff for me that I never published but it’s interesting when you get to sit down and say okay how did I
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get to the point that I’m at right now and it’s funny that I’m so keen on
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masculinity and the reason being my father left my parents got divorced when
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I was 14 and he left I saw him a handful of time by the time he died which was I
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was 29 so 15 years later I saw him a handful of times it had been nine or 10
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years since the last time I saw him so the lack of
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masculine Pres in my life sent me down the wrong road like at at the age of 15
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I was an alcoholic I was a drug addict I had dropped out of school I was selling drugs to feed my habits I was not a good
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person I was a thief I was a thug I did not care about anybody else all that mattered to me was me my boys and
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whatever we needed to do in order to get our next trip that’s all that matters
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and this lasted for years until my early 20s until I got a phone call from my mother cuz I moved out I was 17 years
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old and I was on my own I was doing my own thing and three years later three to
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four years later because I gotta say I got punched in the face quite often and I did abuse drugs when I was younger so
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my memory of that time is not the best a little shaky yeah yeah but it’s around
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the age of 20 I got a phone call from my mother and to put it into perspective I’m literally sitting on the floor of my
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apartment among all my stuff packed in boxes I was literally getting evicted
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from my place it was my third apartment in four years you can imagine that when partying is all you think about you’re
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not a great tenant nobody wants to have you around and I have I rent as well and
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those are not the type of renters that I want either so you know what in hindsight I get it you understand you
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understand why you’re in that situation I would have never rented my apartment to myself never oh never but it’s
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interesting when you know I don’t believe in coincidences and that happened that started that day like that
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started 21 years ago where I realized this but somehow my mom knew to call me
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and she didn’t have much to say outside of are you happy are you happy with the
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life that you’re living right now if not come back home I can’t
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support you financially so you’re going to have to do something but at least I can give you a roof over your head and
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the most interesting part is that I I by then i’ had I’d been selling drugs for
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years now and I had a lot of good connections and I had been offered a job where it would have taken me from
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selling to producing so it’s really like you see in the movies I had a crossroad
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I’m like I can go left and go deep down the rabbit hole even further more and
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continue doing what’s been destroying my life or I could decide to do a 180 and just say
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what can I do from now on and that phone call that same night I was
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moving to my mother’s place so it I’m a very uh I take decisions extremely fast
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like I’m a very logical person I tend to take a decision and then try to explain my decision I don’t rationalize it yeah
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yeah yeah I take a decision I do it and then I’m like okay why did I do that let’s try to let’s let’s make sure that
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it makes sense but yeah that day man everything changed like overnight I cut
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off all my friends I started attending uh AA meetings and NA meetings I went
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back to school I got my uh High School educa like a high school equivalency and within the the within
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six months I was in college I was attending a computer technician which 21 years ago I figured that technology
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would be the way to go and I just took a very simple course and within the span
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of two years I gone back to school I was clean I wasn’t seeing any of those
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people anymore I had discovered the gym which I probably packed on 10 or 15 pounds of muscle and I was 145 pounds I
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was a small guy and I also discovered martial art so during all of that it’s
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very interesting when you start being accountable accepting the fact
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that you are responsible for your actions that yes I’ve heard a lot of people I did a lot of bad stuff that I’m
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asham of but there’s nothing I can do about the past you can amends you you can do amends you can apologize but you
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know like any addiction any addiction programs out there the first step is
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always to admit that there’s a problem and I can tell you that if your life
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sucks chances are it’s your fault and this is what I realized back then
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right but if you have the power to make your life a nightmare if you will that
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that also means that you have the power to make it better to make it don’t know if have on Earth exists
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but you know what I’m saying right right yeah as low as you can go you can also Elevate higher you know and pain and
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suffering are the best teachers they’re probably the number one teacher that any
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you will never want to change until you hit rock bottom this is why they say that the comfort zone is a mindset
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killer because you’re not hurting enough to change so you continue doing the same
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thing while being miserable but you’re not miserable enough to wanting to change 100 per. yeah see with a lot of
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my work as a therapist right I think men especially young men we all have to go through that like pain anger fear phase
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and a lot of therapists try to get guys out of it or try to help cope or you know whatever and it’s like no we need
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to fear that I think especially as young men and be motivated by some of those more Dark Side motivations to begin with
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before we can Embrace values you know but you but you need to embrace them because they are you like I call it the
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monster we’ll talk about it later but I I call it the monster we are vicious beyond belief there’s parts of our like
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I’m a big fan of call Yung and there are parts of us that are so vicious but until but you need to to
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master them and this is what we see today like they say masculinity is toxic it’s not masculinity that’s toxic it’s
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the lack of masculinity that’s toxic because men that hurt others are not
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masculine men because men deep down are supposed to be selfless and they’re supposed to serve others their loved
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ones their family and their Community yeah absolutely right Pro protectors and providers right and guards um so we’re
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going to move to our first commercial break when we come back I want to talk more about you know the mental health struggle that a lot of men go through
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this lack of taking responsibility some of the mixed messages and then hear about some of your principles of masculinity I know you got a fivepoint
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theapy podcast.com now back to the men’s therapy podcast welcome back to the men’s therapy
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podcast I’m here with Nico Logan and we’re talking about masculinity right and these virtues and and where guys
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have to go and what we ended our last segment on was on this crisis of masculinity right what you call it the
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toxic masculinity guys not stepping up guys not taking accountable and a lot of guys are suffering right I mean you have
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an addiction history I have an addiction history a lot guys have mental health histories they have suicidality right
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it’s a really tough time for men’s mental health right now so I’m curious what you think about what’s happening
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and what some of the solutions might be to get guys out of this rut that we seem to be in you know this this is a thing I
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I say all the time I don’t believe that men are ever depressed I think that men lack purpose you know without purpose a
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man a man’s life is meaningless how can you ever truly feel like you belong feel
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happy because obviously happiness is a state of mind it’s something that fluctuates but it is something that it’s
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in your your own mindset but how can you ever ever consider be happy if you don’t
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understand why you were put on this Earth why if you you know how talk to
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anybody that’s depressed and I’m sure you do ask them what’s your purpose in life none of them will have an answer for you at the same time as I can ask
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anybody that has purpose and ask them hey have you ever thought about depression uh no I know what I’m
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supposed to do on the contrary most of us that half purpose are like I don’t think I’m gonna have enough time like I
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I don’t want to end this I just want to find a way to do more with less so it’s
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very interesting the shift in mindset when you’re accountable for it again
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I’ve never met somebody that had purpose tell me that I’m depressed no of course
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not or do you feel sad sometimes do you not feel the best of course everybody has good days everybody has bad days
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this is why discipline to discipline is so important but the way you feel are
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feelings they go up they go down hopefully you can find the middle way as
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the Buddhist teach you but at the end of the day this is always going to be a
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transitional State you’re always going to be fluctuating between one or the other but at the same time find somebody
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with purpose and I guarant you it’s not going to affect them as much as somebody that does not yeah I think that’s really
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well said and it always stands out to me because we were talking at the end of that last segment about the darkness
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that men and have in them and the viciousness right and I think it’s undoubtable we’re the apex predator of planet Earth right like we have
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dominated the Earth by far and it’s always confusing to me and I felt this way too right about how some men can
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feel so powerless right they can feel so lost they can feel so purpose they can feel so weak um when we have all that in
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US you know it it’s rights of passages cuz at the end of the day I think you know for the longest time I thought that
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the lack of masculine men was the biggest problem we faced as a society and over the last year I’ve spent a lot
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of time thinking and it’s not a lack of mas it’s not the lack of masculinity
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that’s a problem it’s accountability that is lacking because name whatever problem you want it will boil down to
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somebody somewhere not wanting to do to do their job and just say not my problem
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at the same time I did not have a masculine man to teach me but I still
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over the years found a path to do it because I have that in me we all do
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every men out there wants to belong they want to be surrounded by other men they want to have people there good men to
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teach them what it is to be a man and this is why to me rights of passages are so important and unfortunately they’re
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lacking today they’re almost they’re not present when you look at North America we something as simple as the Boy Scouts
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has been taken over by little girls now so boys cannot even be boys with other
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boys it’s like it’s shameful to say it’s like it’s not okay for me to say that
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boys and little girls are different and boys need to rough house boys have
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testosterone running through their bodies they need to get hurt they need to go play outside they need to do stuff
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that might not be the smartest thing to do but I can tell you I I I learn
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extremely well from getting injured No actually that’s not even true I don’t learn that well from getting injured
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because I get injured all the time and I continue doing things that might injure me but it made me tough as tough as
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Nails right and this is something that needs to be embraced not you know how
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many times in the education system look at the education system today more there’s 70% or so of women that are
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doing extremely well but boys are doing extremely bad like can you imagine if
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70% of people that graduate high schools are women are men how the outrage that
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would be out there that how is that possible that 20% more women are are but
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yet because it’s men we don’t talk about it like almost 90 it’s 75 to 80% of teachers are women can a woman really
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teach a boy how to become a man no it takes a man to teach a boy how to become a man cuz unlike women boys are born men
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are made a woman gets old enough to procreate we aut automatically assume
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that she is a woman but men are not the same men are supposed to provide they’re
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supposed to bring as I was as Chris Rock Says men are supposed to bring something to the equation and wisdom protection
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the skill to protect this the the knowledge to provide this is something that takes time it takes time for us to
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acquire and you know most men out there believe that if you’re not successful in your in your 20s you’re you’re doing
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something wrong yet the studies show that most millionaires were made in their 40s and even their 50s and not by
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a small percentage most successful people most successful men it’s in their
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40s and their 50s after they tried they threw a lot of stuff at the wall see what sticks they persevered with
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something they they learned they made mistake they lost everything they regained it but this is what the life of
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a man is and as the Bible say it’s a men is made through trials and
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tribulations and this is not taught anymore and it’s unfortunate because rights of passages is exactly what it
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teaches you here is what the expectations are here is how you can
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achieve it now go we will judge you for how you perform there’s no we’re not
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going to allow you to cheat we will be there to to fine tune what you’re doing we will teach you what you need to do in
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order to do it but we want you to prove yourself to us your family your
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community and we will embrace you for being a man the day you actually succeed
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you will be celebrated for being the man that you are today and this is a big
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lack that we miss in today’s society and as I was saying like you look at something as simple as the Boy Scouts
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where boys could be around other boys play in the woods learn skills like how to build shelter maybe hunt how to
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survive what type of oh can I eat those fruits can I eat those mushrooms can I what now it’s being filled with women
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with little girls that have no interest in the same thing as boys now boys cannot be boys because wh because little
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girls are present but you know as we were talking about earlier there’s women
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teach something different to their kids like women normally teach emotional intelligence to their kids by loving
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them by being there by being so women are more kind they’re more compassionate they care more so of course they need to
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teach that but at the same time men on the other hand need to teach discipline they need to teach that there are
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consequences to your actions and if they need so be the enforcer of that consequence make sure that they’re being
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punished for being bad but being embraced for what they do right and you
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know this is going to sound extreme to most people but you look at the agogi the in the Spartan society boys were
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raised by their by their by their mother until the age of about seven or eight they were really mothers would take care
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of their little boys until that age but until that but once seven or eight came that boy was was removed from feminine
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energy and dumped into a world of masculinity now that you understand what
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it is to love a woman because your mother taught you how your mother is the first woman you you ever loved so the
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relationship you have with her will impact every single other relationship you ever buil in your future and they
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knew that but at the same time how can you expect a man to be a man if he was raised by a woman with no fatherly
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energy around there no masculine energy it’s not possible not possible and it’s a it’s a huge issue right I mean some of
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the books I referen is iron John um by Robert BL which I’m sure you’ve read right this aide of you know with the the
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Modern Man working out of the home working in you know a desk job working in an office and the little boy not
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seeing what their dad even does or not apprenticing right I mean for most of human history you would Apprentice with
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your father you would learn to be a blacksmith or you would learn to hunt or you learn to farm or whatever you would take on his trade and we don’t have that
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now right and yeah when we talk about those those uh rights of Passage a lot of traditional cultures in Africa and
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South America right they literally steal the boy from the home right while the and the woman you know I mean she plays
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because she knows that it’s not you know not going hurt but she’ll scream and cry and be like no don’t take my son but
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they need that I think men need that you know and it goes to a question I want to ask you around male mentorship you know
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and this idea that I think you’re really eloquent in speaking of male love right like male love is discipline and it is
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what the way I said it’s like both being the coach right and the Challenger right
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like we set up the challenge we say hey you need to do this but I’m going to coach you every step of the way I’m going to help you do it but the
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challenge is going to be hard right and I think that’s very that’s so different than what feminine love is
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which is what I think love gets boiled down to it’s more romantic you know connective love it’s not masculine yeah
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no and you know what I don’t have any kids right now but I want my girlfriend and I do want some and this is one of the things we talk about all the time
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like she’ll have oh yeah but if they do that we need to be more lenient uh
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no no no no no no you don’t understand that that my kids are going to know how to fight I don’t care that you’re a boy or a girl you will do martial art from
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the day you’re capable of until the day you leave the house this is not an option this is I will Implement that and
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you have no choice you will be in martial art because this will develop so
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many skills that nothing else will teach you like you’re talking about culturability and this is a thing that
30:21
most our kids are not look at kids today you can’t even tell them a reality because it hurts their feelings
30:27
like you have people expect like I content I I create a lot of content and my content is considered controversial
30:34
because I’m supposed to be able to have to tiptoe around people’s opinion but you know what no absolutely not you know
30:42
I I should have kept the the T-shirt I was wearing but I was wearing a t-shirt that says your feelings and this is
30:47
one of the t-shirts that I made and I wear it but I’m like I don’t know this guy so I’m not going to wear it but this
30:52
is exactly how I feel I’m not going to go out of my way to hurt your feelings but if facts hurt your feelings realize
31:00
that you’re the problem not me and it’s so unfortunate that we do live in a
31:06
society where this is the case that we are so weak mentally but fortunately
31:14
there are even though that we’re lacking the rights of passages we are lacking the strong male figures and you
31:22
know I I don’t think that it’s because men don’t want to take that role I think it’s just because extremely hard for men
31:28
to take that role because if you look and look at the rate of divorce we’re
31:34
talking about 50% of marriages end up in divorce in 80 to 90% of the case women
31:40
get the children and 33% of boys now grow up
31:46
without a father in their house 33% depending on the study it’s 33 to 40 but
31:52
let’s say one out of three boys today grow up what a
31:58
father my my story is not is not abnormal at all it is becoming it is
32:05
becoming almost what half of the boys are going through and this is insanity it’s completely complete Insanity
32:12
because most people don’t have the mindset that I have I don’t know where one day it just clicked there something
32:18
that happened it clicked and I’m just like oh oh hell no I can’t do this anymore but most people never go through
32:25
that very impact full situation where they hit rock bottom as we said like
32:31
people normally stay in the comfort zone and never really push the boundaries because H it seems difficult yeah yeah
32:39
yeah surprise surprise it is hard it is you know what life sucks life many times
32:45
life sucks life’s hard but how can you ever recognize how like how can you ever be
32:52
on the moon if you’ve never experienced The Rock ball bottoms how can you ever
32:58
know what’s great what you’re capable of if you’ve never had to work for something and again this is something
33:05
that rights of passages actually teach you they teach you that here’s your task
33:10
we’re not going to sugarcoat it you’re not going to get a participation medal on the contrary if you fail you’ll
33:16
probably be shunned die yeah but that’s my point there will be physical and emotional
33:24
consequences that you will have to deal with and instead of us seeing oh yeah
33:30
but that’s so d That’s so dangerous that’s so that’s so mean that noise
33:35
yes be mean there need to be consequences life sucks if you you know
33:40
people want safe spaces everywhere there’s only one place safe space exists it’s at home and that’s again that’s the
33:46
job of a father to provide a safe space where your family has what they need
33:51
feel protected to a point where they can grow because if you’re in survival mode you’ll never be able B to grow but
33:58
outside the house once you cross that front door there’s no such thing as safe space we don’t live in a world of
34:03
fairies and unicorn and we need to stop telling our kids that that’s the case because we are not preparing them for
34:12
real life by sugar coating everything I think that’s true right I think it’s a very masculine value to look at reality
34:18
as it is right that hard honest just completely uncensored look and this is
34:23
what what life is right this is what our environment is we can’t pretend and we can’t lie to the people in our lives
34:29
especially our children that the world is not that you know you can lie all you want but you’re not you’re not helping
34:36
them you’re going to create a bunch of victims you’re going to create some little shits that blame everybody else
34:42
for their problem instead of just admitting that they are the problem there’s no white there there’s no night
34:51
and shiny and shining armor that’s going to come rescue you if you want something if you want to get out of the hole in
34:56
which you find yourself in get that shovel let’s build a ladder and let’s
35:02
get out of it because it’s not nobody’s here to help you well said well we got to move to our final commercial break
35:08
when we come back we’ll talk to you the listener directly and Nico will tell you how to get that shovel and how to build
35:13
that ladder some things that you can do right away after listening that you can start getting out that path especially
35:18
if you’re in a hole because like you’re saying I I agree like we have responsibility for our own lives and accountability for our own lives and no
35:24
one’s going to do it for us so we better we better walking right you better start walking so if you’re listening hang on
35:30
in there and we’ll see you on the other [Music]
35:43
[Music] side a little birdie told me voice
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[Music] here you are listening to the men’s
37:41
therapy podcast with Mark aalay to reach the show today please call
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866472 5791 that’s 866472
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5791 or send an email to podcast at men therapy. online online or visit
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www.men therapy podcast.com now back to the men’s therapy podcast
38:04
welcome back to the show in this final segment we’re going to hear from Nico about how to start taking accountability for your life how to start building
38:10
discipline and how to start working on becoming a better man so Nico take it away you know becoming a better man
38:19
can I call them the five virtues of a good man but let me be let me be very clear I did not invent this those are
38:27
old principles that were taught as back as back as stoic
38:32
principles that are more than 2,000 years old and I’m sure that if I go even like even more backwards than that they
38:38
will be talking about those calling them different things we always tend to adapt known principles to fit the society in
38:46
which we currently find ourselves and and this is all I did like what I call the five Virtues Of A Good Man is based
38:51
100% on stoic principles I reframed them in a way where it will apply to people
38:57
today just change the verbiage but the idea behind it is the actual same so as
39:03
we’ve been there the five Virtues Of A Good Man are simple courage protection providing Temperance
39:12
and Faith courage is pretty self-explanatory but it is the foundation if you don’t have courage
39:19
you’ll never be able to do anything else and it goes even further than that if you know as a man you’re supposed to be
39:25
Dependable people are supposed to be be able to depend on you and if you don’t
39:30
have courage that means we never know how you’re going to react in a bad situation so how can you really be
39:35
trusted if you’re not a courageous person you can’t it’s impossible so courage is the first thing but it’s so
39:42
much more than like we’re not just talking about life or death situation but standing up for yourself just you’re
39:48
at work something happens you know something else is true stand up and speak it it’s very interesting when you
39:55
start owning your stuff when you start saying what needs to get said when it needs to get said people will start
40:01
backing you up it’s just people are so scared to be the first one because it’s always the first one that’s being crucified it’s always the first guy that
40:08
shows up that says uh no this is not it this is how it should be but you find
40:14
that when you start being courageous you start inspiring people around you to be
40:20
courageous because they see a live example of courage and most people have
40:25
the impression that being courageous is a lack of fear when it’s the complete opposite it’s being scared shitless but
40:33
still doing what needs to get done because you know that’s the right thing to do right it’s operating well afraid
40:39
right that’s what courage is 100% yeah this is why I call it my foundation for
40:45
everything then you have being a protector like we’ve spoken about this a bit today but to me being a protector is
40:53
more than just protecting your family is the way you treat your body because if
40:58
you look at it if you look at my life if you look at the past 21 years I built I
41:04
I buil the mindset that I have today by first mastering my body by first taking
41:09
control of how I treated my body what I put in my body the way I exercised it
41:16
and over time I could see physical changes this is what’s great about going to the gym for example building muscle
41:23
mass you see in the mirror you there’s no lying to it to this day right now
41:29
there’s not a magic pill you can take and you know I I got some friends of mine that that recorded a podcast with
41:36
the with Cardone you know the sales expert and they’re sitting across from each other and the guy is like 22 years
41:42
old and he looks at my buddy and he’s like hey bro do you have abs the guy shredded he’s like he’s a bit shy but
41:49
he’s like of course I have abs and he stand up and he shows his abs and Cardone looks at him he’s like do you know that one out of 10 Americans is a
41:55
millionaire but less than 1% of American have visible ABS so basically it’s more
42:01
than 10 times harder to have abs that it is to become a millionaire and every single person out there has the power to
42:09
be sh in shape to have abs this is aund and you don’t even need to go to the gym stop eating junk stop treating your body
42:15
like a dumpster and you’ll see that the changes are going to come you don’t even need to
42:20
do it you could sit on your ass all day but eat less calories that you burn and
42:26
you was you could still look great that’s not what I’m saying you should do but I’m just saying that you don’t have
42:31
any excuses and martial art not only does it bring you that being in shape
42:39
building the skills that you’re going to need to protect your family if you’re too young right now you don’t have a family I was bullied as a kid and you
42:45
know what it’s not fun it’s not fun to know in your head that you’re a victim that if something happens you’re not
42:52
going to do anything because you’re a coward being a coward is okay but staying a coward is a choice
43:00
and this is where martial art changed me when I discovered martial art I I was tired of being a victim but I got
43:06
surrounded by a bunch of animals bunch of killers you know like there there’s a meme on Facebook of a guy in his car is
43:12
like oh I can’t wait to go back to that padded room to learn how to kill people and but that’s what like it is yeah this
43:21
is what it is but building martial arts like incorporating art in your life not
43:27
only brings you the skills you will need to defend yourself your loved ones your family your community but it teaches you
43:34
discipline it teaches you that you’re not that easy to break that you can take a punch and you’re not going to break
43:41
that you’re a lot tougher than you think it’s going to teach you what it is to be part of a team because when you start
43:47
work when you start training with guys guys are going to start depending on you to be there to help them train and vice
43:52
versa so you become more coachable and on top of that this is one of the things I recommend to every single uh single
43:59
mother out there if you don’t have a masculine men in your life for your boy to be molded after put him in martial
44:05
arts you don’t know where contact me I’ll find you a school I know schools all over the world if you don’t know
44:10
where to find a good man put him in a coaching situation like martial arts
44:16
because at the end of the day great coaches and that doesn’t just apply to martial arts but it applies to every
44:21
every coach out there a great coach will use a shared passion
44:26
to teach you life lessons and you know I’ve had some coaches in my life that saw something in me that I didn’t even
44:32
know was there and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have never known but they took a chance on me they saw something
44:39
there and they just cultivated it they just knew how to speak to me and kind of
44:45
force me mold me to I did not want to fight I had no intentions of fighting
44:50
all I wanted to do is to learn how to defend myself yet next thing you know I’m fighting and then a few years after
44:57
I’m winning a North American tournament in muai as an amateur like I became an amateur Champion that was never in my
45:04
intentions whatsoever and I got to tell you I was scared shitless every single time before I stepped in a ring but you
45:11
know in Fight Club it says that when you start to fight everything else starts like is toned down yeah and it’s true
45:17
the volume of life I’m not worried I know how to defend myself I know how to
45:23
defend my girlfriend I know how to take care of my loved ones so that part and what’s the mo what’s
45:28
the one of the things that people are are the most scared of is that being put in a situation where they need to defend
45:34
themselves it’s not a problem for me like I know how to deescalate a situation when I can and to protect
45:41
myself if it needs be but this is why being a protector is so important you master the skills and yourself and this
45:49
is the doorway to your to your mind and this is why the number three steps is providing again providers is what a man
45:56
should be but in order to become a provider he needs to gain access to his mind he need to understands the natural
46:02
skills that he possesses that others maybe don’t or at least what’s his
46:07
natural skills not what he wants to do what he’s good at and develop those
46:13
skills and once you mastered your body you can start getting a flash you can start to get an image of what you’re
46:19
capable of and your mind in the process grew so you can start applying that mind
46:25
to whatever you want and I have a lot of friends that do very high in coaching
46:30
where they put men in kind of a rights of Passage and every single one of them
46:35
tells me the same thing as soon as a man start mastering his body next thing you know he’s quitting his job or he’s
46:42
getting a promotion he’s getting a job to start his own company he’s doing something that he would have never
46:48
considered and what ignited everything Mastery of the body yeah so you know
46:54
being a provider is simple make as much money as you can to give as much comfort to your family as you can it’s not that
47:00
it’s not that crazy but and men have been doing this for thousands of years but it’s more than just that you still
47:06
need to provide an environment where your kids feel safe because in Psychology they teach you that if you
47:11
your family’s in survival mode always thinking about their next meal what they’re going to do next are we going to get evicted are we going to be able to
47:18
eat they can’t they they only they’re obsessed they’re absorbed by a world of
47:25
just in but when you feel safe when you have a place where you can let your
47:31
guard down and just relax you’re again you get access to your mind you’re capable of being a state of constant
47:38
growth and this again is something that a man should do you should support your
47:44
family monetarily but emotionally too as much as it’s your the job of your of the
47:51
female the woman your wife your girlfriend to teach emotional intelligence if you never allow your
47:57
girlfriend or your wife to be feminine to be in a space where she’s not in survival mode she’ll never be able to
48:04
teach it that’s why it’s so important that you do because you will complement her actions you will enable her to do so
48:12
and the studies show it time and time again women are terrible at raising children by themselves if you look at
48:19
the state of 90% of kids that are homeless came from a single mother most
48:27
the highest rate of suicide the highest rate of depression the highest rate of anxiety the highest rate of everything
48:35
comes from are always impacted by a single parent and yet men do a lot
48:40
better job as single parents and again I’m not saying that one is better than
48:46
the other it’s who’s to know if they’re very welldeveloped emotionally I don’t know this there’s not enough cases for
48:53
the studies and I don’t think the studies are old enough to show that data yet but one does not take away from the
48:59
other one is not better than the other yes we don’t have the same skills but this is what we were designed that way
49:06
we were designed to have both our side of responsibility and to own
49:11
it probably the most important I don’t want to say the most important but the hardest one is temperance by far
49:17
Temperance is problematic I don’t think it’s possible for somebody to be 100% tempered I don’t believe it you look at
49:24
I’m a big fan of buddh and how many stories have I read of a of a Buddhist Guru a Buddhist monk losing
49:33
their yeah so they spend their days developing their bodies through martial
49:39
art they spend their days meditating yet they still lose their cool every now and then so it’s totally normal but the
49:46
thing people need to realize is if you are if you’re always reacting to
49:54
people’s words you are easily controllable that means because at the
49:59
end of the day you either control your emotions or they control you there’s there’s no there’s no third way it’s
50:05
really this is what it is control your emotions or they’ll control you so Temperance is so important so so so
50:11
important and through things like meditation through martial art you can
50:17
start controlling that monster I like to call it the monster that evil that’s inside of all of us and to kind of put
50:24
it in check and not only that but guys in martial art are very good at identifying guys that are bullies that
50:30
are that if you tend to not be tempered they’ll they they’ll make you
50:36
uh fall a few steps they’ll they’ll Crush that ego a bit to just you know what bro you’re not that great you still
50:42
have a lot of things to learn this is why martial art to me impacts a to zed it impacts every single virtues that a
50:50
man need and even faith faith to me is not the last one because it’s the least
50:56
important but because it wraps everything together I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for my faith
51:03
and yes I’m a Christian but I’m not your typical Christian in a way where Faith
51:08
does not need to be religious and let I I like to explain it this way replace Faith by
51:15
belief how can I ever build self-confidence if I don’t first believe
51:22
in myself believe that I’m able to accomplish something how can I ever build a new
51:28
relationship with someone if I don’t first believe that they are the person they say they are and how can I ever
51:36
find life purpose if I don’t first believe that I was put here for a reason
51:42
so as much as faith faith in yourself build self-confidence faith in others
51:47
builds relationship and faith in something greater than us all call it
51:53
God call it the universe call it nature nature whatever you want will give you
51:58
an understanding that you were put here for a reason yeah really well said that was an
52:04
incredible platform and a great place for guys to start I like that they’re sequenced and like that you give some
52:09
really great tangible things like joining martial arts mastering your body figuring out your diet like investing in yourself right like knowing that we’re
52:16
we’re worth it and we have to get better right because I think like you were saying right like male love is not
52:21
unconditional it is conditional right and we always competing with other men
52:27
and we have to work our way up those hierarchies like that’s just part of being a man it sucks for some people and
52:32
some people complain about it but that is the game that we’re playing right so I think by tuning ourselves and honing
52:38
ourselves and becoming sharper better faster stronger right we are increasing our value and also you know unlocking
52:44
our potential and one thing that’s worth mentioning a lot of men are obsessed
52:49
with getting women instead of working on themselves and research shows that
52:56
95% of women compete for the top five% of men so instead of concentrating on
53:03
trying to get as many women as you can today concentrate on becoming a good man
53:09
follow those five virtues to become a 5center and you’ll fend off those women
53:15
yeah you’ll you’ll have to fight them off you won’t even need to go after them they’ll want you exactly exactly become
53:22
the prize become the prize well Nico I love what you’re talking about where can people learn more about you listen to
53:28
more of what you have to say where can they find you online you can go to nikol lag.com all my stuff there it has links
53:36
to all my social media and just to say I put I broke my contract with Amazon so
53:42
that I could put my the narration of my first book on my website so I got an
53:48
incredible narrator do the job he’s he’s absolutely hilarious but it’s free so if
53:53
you want to learn how to find purpose in your 30s 40s you’re facing that middle age
53:59
crisis go to my website under Publications and it’s there for free great go check it out check out nikol
54:05
lag.com Nico thanks so for being on the show listeners thank you for tuning in and we’ll see you next week another
54:10
episode of men’s therapy [Music] podcast thank you for joining your host
54:18
mark aile on the men’s therapy podcast be sure to tune in again live next Wednesday at 2: p.m. eastern time and
54:24
11:00 a.m. Pacific Time on The Voice America health and wellness Channel and anywhere podcast are found to support
54:30
the show leave a review on your favorite podcast platform for more information or to apply to be a guest visit www.menstherapypodcast.com
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