Life after Success w/ Aaron Trahan

Life after Success w/ Aaron Trahan

October 27, 2023

This in episode our guest, Aaron Trahan, shares his story of finding meaning after success.

Episode Transcript:

Intro: [00:00:00] Mark Azulay is an industry leader in psychotherapy and men’s mental health. He’s helped countless guys get back on their feet, deepen their relationships, and excel in their lives. Now he’s taken all that he has learned and is sharing it with you. In each episode, Mark will interview an expert in the field of masculinity and men’s work.

We’ll cover topics such as emotional intelligence, masculine identity. Anger management, financial health, trauma, recovery, marriage, and divorce ethics and spirituality tune in and become a better man. 

Mark: Welcome back to men’s therapy podcast. I’m your host, Mark Azulay. And I’m here with Aaron Trahan. Aaron is a performance coach that works with emerging leaders in both the startup and corporate scenes.

And we were chatting a little bit before the show. And what I love about what you’re doing, Aaron, is you take the professional and you make it personal. You’re helping guys really grow and take not [00:01:00] just their careers, but their lives to the next level. Welcome to the show. 

Aaron Trahan: Hey, Mark. Thanks for having me.

Yeah. It’s, uh, just from the, just from the pre meet, I’m sure we have a lot of fascinating things we’ll be, we’ll be covering, but yeah, you nailed it. 

Mark: Yeah. So I want to just start as we do on the show with you, right? The personal you, um, we talk a lot about masculinity. We talk a lot about personal development.

Um, what was your story around these things, right? How did you get into this line of work? 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, yeah, so it’s, uh, you know, the origin story for me starts, you know, being put into a leadership position at a very early age, 23 years old, uh, it was kind of dropped into a leadership role, managing a fairly large business, uh, started to get some people responsibilities.

Uh, from a management standpoint and was in a very tough, almost, I would almost say, uh, alpha male intensity environment. So it was, it was 1 of those sink or swim type [00:02:00] of, uh, type of moments. And you had to, you know, you had to be tough to be able to survive. I would even say that 1 of the reasons I got the role as early as I did was just because of the high burnout and high churn that the, that the environment kind of drove.

And. You know, while I had some success, I continued to scale my career, ultimately becoming, you know, a member of the senior executive team. Running a billion dollar business at that point in time, all before the age of 30, what sat underneath that was I’m confident that I made every mistake. There was to possibly have been made by a young executive.

Um, but the ego did not allow me to see those things in real time. I. Uh, you know, developed a almost a form of complacency. I thought I’d made it. I thought I arrived. I thought I was the smartest person in a lot of the rooms that I was [00:03:00] in. And so. What resulted in that was I kind of stopped growing to be quite honest, I wasn’t coachable.

I wasn’t in learning mode. And so it was 1 of those fork in the road moments for me. And so when we kind of bring up the term masculinity, you know what that showed up for for me was I had to go back to the drawing board. I had to redesign myself. I had to go back to those things that made me great. That I let status titles and money kind of dilute away.

Um, and I had to kill the ego, um, and killing the ego meant I went out and found, found some outside help in the form of exactly what I’m doing today. And a performance coach to help me see some blind spots, help me really come to grips with reality of my development areas. And to make a long story short, that interest into getting better, into improving, into developing emerged [00:04:00] into a passion, which then turned into a purpose that over the past, I would say, um, over the past 8 or 9 years, just been a slow, but steady gravitational pull.

That led me to kind of founding my own firm last year, working exclusively with people that looked a lot like me. Journey is very similar that I’ve created a program and a system and a mythology that I wish I would have had whenever I kind of let the ego win, kind of left growth mode and kind of develop that complacency status quo mode.

Um, so yeah, that’s, that’s kind of what led me to kind of doing what I’m doing today. Um, and really being able to operate on mission. 

Mark: Yeah. A lot of really good things that we’ll be able to talk about moving forward. Uh, but I want to ask you, was there like a rock bottom moment or like you talked about this crossroads moment, like how did you know that you were at your own limit and that ego had to die?

Right. And you had to ask for help. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah. Yeah. It [00:05:00] was, um, I wouldn’t say it was one big thing because. It was tough to really see it. Um, because from an external standpoint, I was thriving. I was achieving the money was coming in. The promotions were coming in from a professional standpoint. I, I was kind of what everybody was striving to be, but slowly, but surely it started to eat away at me that I felt that I was operating from a lack of authenticity.

Um, I felt like I was having to blend in to this very tough, very aggressive environment. Um, and if I could summarize it, it’s probably that winning stopped feeling like winning, um, where I became numb to a lot of the things that were happening. I wasn’t happy or satisfied with the person that I was becoming.

My relationships were failing. I wasn’t, uh, I wasn’t a good friend. I was, [00:06:00] it was a very cutthroat type of way that I kind of saw the world. Um, and the lesson that I learned is when you’re chasing after things that have no real deep meaning that don’t have any sense of purpose, you’re never going to have enough, you know, and that’s why so many professionals and executives get on this, you know, get on this hamster wheel.

They’re chasing, they’re chasing and they’re chasing. And the fact of the matter is more is never going to be a good strategy is all if all you’re chasing is more. Um, the 1 thing that I can guarantee you that I experienced firsthand is it’s going to feel empty on the other side of getting whatever it is that you’re getting almost kind of similar to.

The dog chasing the car gets the fender in his mouth, and then it’s kind of like, now, what the hell do I do? Um, so I was missing that meaning that sense of purpose that fulfillment. If it was all about, you know, status [00:07:00] KPIs, sales, profitability, and the money that I could look up and see in my bank account, it hit me pretty early on that.

Yeah, this is, this doesn’t, this doesn’t feel good. Like I’m giving up so much to just get this, there’s got to be more to life. And that’s what kind of led me on the, uh, a much, much deeper personal development journey. 

Mark: Yeah. Yeah. I’m curious about that more mindset, right? I work with a handful of startup guys and they’re in a very similar boat, right?

I mean, a lot of them talk about how they did everything right. You know, they went to the good schools, they started the company. They’re often the youngest, smartest leaders in the room. Just like we were talking about. But then they get to their thirties and they’re like, Holy shit. Like I don’t have a relationship, right?

Maybe they drink a little bit too much. Maybe they like, you know, are alone a lot. Right. Their, their bodies might be failing in some way, shape or form. They’re like, what the hell? Right. Like I optimized for all these, you know, kind of like masculine success markers, right. Money status, living in a cool place, being a homeowner, whatever.

Right. Um, and all this other stuff is just [00:08:00] atrophying. Right. Cause it’s, it’s too single pointed focus. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, it’s that, that’s, that’s exactly it. I think we get fed a narrative. From society or, you know, external sources, most, especially in the business world of here’s what success looks like. It’s the car.

It’s the status. It’s the title. It’s the house. It’s the, uh, it’s the suit. Um. You know, and it’s all the material trappings of what success is supposed to look like, but there’s 1 thing missing there. And that’s, that’s the internal definition of success. And so if, if all you’re doing is acting and operating to meet the expectations of the external world, of your associations, of your environment.

Um, that’s just the recipe for, you know, that, that emptiness, that downside, that, that, that black hole that you’ll just never be [00:09:00] able to fill because you’re always going to get served up and even more aspirational lifestyle on Instagram, right? You make your first million great. You’re immediately chasing the guy who has 10, you make 10, you’re now chasing the guy who has a hundred, you’re at a hundred, you’re chasing the billionaires.

And so, you know, If you’re just chasing what the external world, uh, has given us that narrative of what, what success is, is supposed to look like, I mean, you’ll be chasing your entire life without truly understanding the meaning of what fulfillment, what purpose, what happiness kind of looks like for you.

And so if you don’t have those internal definitions, crisp, clear, and firm that can drive your why. Um, yeah, good luck because the world, the world, especially the external world, uh, is going to send you off in all kinds of different directions that are nothing but dead ends, especially if it doesn’t have that meaning and purpose and fulfillment.

Right? The treadmill is going to keep [00:10:00] running, 

Mark: right? 

Aaron Trahan: That’s right. That’s right. And it’ll, it’ll outlast you. Right? So when you, when you burn out and have to, you know, take a remove yourself from the game, the treadmill is still going, man. It’s not, it’s not going to stop for you. Um, you’re just. You’re just on, you’re just on the wrong treadmill playing the wrong game.

Uh, that’s being defined by everybody else but you. 

Mark: So I’m curious for you, what are some of those internal meetings that you found or maybe something that you had to expand your definition of success into, right? I think that was surprising or that was different from kind of the status quo. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, it was, you know, for me, it was kind of, um, it was just that it was like, really starting to understand what my internal definitions were.

For success, what my internal definitions were for happiness, um, and something that I’ve kind of emerged and kind of use with clients today is then [00:11:00] asking that 3rd question is. Are those 2 things in harmony with one another or do they conflict? And so based on how you’re defining happiness and how you’re defining success, it’s worth doing an audit to understand, well, if chasing this current definition of success, can I be happy while doing it?

Or am I sacrificing all of the happiness on this side to chase this thing that I’m pursuing that we’re currently labeling success, thinking that once I achieve it, then I’ll be happy. Um, and I, that’s where I kind of caught myself as I was chasing something for a reason that wasn’t authentic to me expecting that happiness would show up on the other side.

And because of my success, I was able to catch a lot of things. But the same thing showed up on the other side. There wasn’t happiness. That was just. All of a sudden, my, my appetite and the [00:12:00] shinier objects just became bigger and more expensive. Um, and so, yeah, it was really kind of going inward and, and kind of finding myself kind of thinking more long term around.

What does it look like for me to live an ideal life? What are the other roles that I want to play? Whether that’s husband, father, um, and how can I be good at those not going through the motions that we see with so many other. You know, successful professionals where. Yeah, they’re on the front cover of magazines.

They’re successful. They’ve got the money in the bank, but they’re blowing through a marriage every five or 10 years. They don’t know their kids. And so I would ask the question is, is that how they’re defining happiness? Is that how they’re defining success? Um, so yeah, I just, I made the conscious decision to say, I’m not going to be kind of a one trick pony here.

I want to be successful in these different areas of life. And I don’t want to sacrifice 1 for the [00:13:00] sake of chasing another and so it was some deep work 

Mark: for sure. For sure. Right. Like I said, it means, like, letting go and grieving through a lot of things. And there’s this humility moment, right? Of, like, oh, man, I’ve been going down the wrong path.

Luckily, you’re young enough and smart enough. You can turn around. Right? But there’s that moment of, like, oh, my God. Okay. I need to, like, reverse here and not go all in on just these kind of external markers. 

Aaron Trahan: Right, right. Yeah. And I think too, it’s just, it’s, um. Yeah, I think everything starts with awareness, right?

And to this day, it’s kind of what I use is the foundational principle of my mythology that I use for my performance coaching is you can’t improve or enhance something that you’re just not aware of. And so I look back and I was missing all of the tools. I was missing all of the systems. I, I wasn’t doing any reflecting.

It was just, you know, I was just charging, charging ahead. And so, um, yeah, missed out on a lot of opportunities [00:14:00] to. Do the reflecting that would drive the awareness that would help shine some light on some blind spots that, um, I let stay blind and dark for, for too long. 

Mark: Also, I’m curious that we start moving to our break.

Like, are you happier now? I mean, how’s your, do you have a relationship? Are you moving towards those husband and father roles? Like, what changes have you made on this other side? 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, yeah. You know, I’m so grateful to have gone through the experience because. You know, it’s, it’s interesting how we define failure.

And I think too many people define failure as just that, that burning fire that we’re afraid to touch. But, um, going through that makes you smarter, makes you wiser, gives you more perspective. And yeah, now I’m happily married, have two beautiful sons and, uh, feel really good about. My performance in those areas as well, where if we would have re wound the clock and if I would have had a marriage and kids at that point in time, I [00:15:00] probably would have failed at two out of those three things may have had the business success, but would have been a terrible husband and a terrible father because I just wasn’t aware enough.

Um, so yeah, that learning experiences now allowed me to live a much more fulfilled, uh, purposeful life to where I kind of view. My main jobs in a couple of these different areas as business leader, uh, husband, um, you know, father and can really zero in on each 1 of those areas that are important hats that I wear.

Um, and be successful in all of them, not sacrifice 2 of them just to be successful in 1. 

Mark: Totally. I mean, I really love that model that you’re presenting. The way that I look at it with some of my guys is like, is the word you already used harmony, right? Like, all those roles should be feeding each other and be, it should be synergistic.

Right, rather than competing with each other and having to make those hard decisions, like, oh, shit, like, am I going to neglect my kid? Right? Am I going to miss dinner with my son again? Or am I going to get this [00:16:00] extra work done? 

Aaron Trahan: There’s there’s a cost for everything, right? And so if you don’t have clear definitions of happiness and success, there’s no way for you.

To calibrate, whether you’re giving up too much on 1 side to chase the other, having a good, clear, crisp definition of what each look like, and if that’s what kind of drives. You’re why on a day in day out basis, you’re able to do that integration work and keep them aligned. 

Mark: Totally. Well, we’re going to our first commercial break when we come back, we’re going to talk more in detail about some of these things.

That’s great that you’ve made the transition yourself and you’re out there helping other people. Um, and I’m interested to hear some more case studies of. It’s what people have gone through and how you’ve helped them through it. Um, so if you’re listening, hang on in there and we’ll see you on the other side of the commercial break,

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Intro: Men’s therapy online is now accepting new members. Men’s therapy online offers a solution to the lack of outlets for emotional expression, positive role models, and access to meaningful milestone experiences.

In our post COVID world, loneliness. All time high men need consistent community. Our society is rapidly changing. Old models of masculinity are falling at the task of promoting emotional intelligence and meaningful connection. Men’s Therapy Online offers tools and experiences designed to help the men who are struggling to balance traditional male roles and emotional fluidity.

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Aaron Trahan: It’s your world. Motivate change, succeed voice. America empowerment. com.

Intro: You were listening to the men’s therapy podcast with Mark Azulay to reach the show today, please call 1 888 346 9141. That’s 1 888 346 9141, or send an email to podcast at men’s therapy. online or visit www. menstherapypodcast. com. Now back to the show.

Mark: Welcome back to the show. I’m your host, Mark Azlai, and I’m sitting here with Aaron Trahan, and we’re just talking about success, right? And changing from these [00:19:00] external, you know, toxic masculine versions of success and moving into a more internal self generated version. Um, so Aaron is a performance mindset coach.

And what I wanted to ask you, Aaron, was. I think about the willingness to learn, right? Like, I think it’s so important. Like you said, the willingness to be coached, the willingness to do a workshop, the willingness to read new books. And it’s something that I know a lot of guys, they have it almost implicitly in their 20s, right?

When they’re just like scrambling to survive and trying to make it and it’s like consuming information like a sponge, but there is this moment. I see a lot of guys early to mid 30s where they, they stop, right? They kind of like rest on their laurels. And then, like, you were saying, you know, in the 1st segment, it can kind of degrade after that.

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, I think, you know, I wish, you know, as I look back as a early leader, emerging executive. I wish it would have came with a warning sign that if it goes unchecked success [00:20:00] can be the very thing that prevents future success and it all comes back to exactly how you set set up that question is when we’re striving, when we’re emerging, when we’re kind of when we’re looking to kind of make that growth.

We’re a sponge. We’re learning. We’re taking everything in. But as we sit back and we think about the psychology that happens after some success is achieved, it’s very easy that if we don’t stay in that learning mode, it’s very easy that if we don’t have a commitment to continuous improvement, you know, you get a couple of those.

Uh, you know, you get a couple of those good achievements, you’re able to put on the resume, you got some money coming in, you’ve got a title. Now you’re pretty proud of without even without even even knowing it, you kind of take your foot off the accelerator. You kind of stop learning, you kind of start to think [00:21:00] you’ve got things figured out and it opens up a lot of different cracks.

For complacency to, to, to come in and once that happens, you know, the, the, the dreaded comfort zone is just right there waiting to kind of grab you and kind of, and kind of pull you in and trying to get out of that. It’s like trying to run through quicksand very, very difficult. 

Mark: Yeah. So let’s dig into that, right?

Because when I talk to my guys, I’m curious if you have the same or different experience, right? Like in their twenties, the psychological motivator for a lot of them is either fear, right? Fear of being poor, feel being a failure, fear of embarrassing themselves or kind of spite, right? Like there’s like an anger thing, like, Oh, people said I couldn’t do it.

So I’m going to show them. And like you said, once I get successful, those things dwindle out because that fear of scarcity is no longer true. Because they have some level of security and the spite doesn’t work because at some point they’ve succeeded beyond what these other people thought. Um, [00:22:00] so I’m curious.

Yeah, I guess question a right. Do you see that too? Or is there something else? And then question B, how do you help guys change fuel sources? Right. Because you can’t run in fear and anger forever. Right. I think as a young man, sometimes you kind of have to, but as you get older, you can’t write like it’s not sustainable.

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, I think what’s so interesting about that is yes, I see all that. Plus, um, it’s, it’s almost kind of what I’ll refer to for the point of this conversation is that fear itself makes a pivot, right? So you think about your early 20s, that fear is Not achieving that fear is not getting established, not generating money.

The fear is coming from a place of, um, a lack of, and it’s fuel to just drive, learn, grow, be a sponge, adapt, develop. Um, No different than, you know, you look at these behaviors of little [00:23:00] kids all the time, and they, they have the same thing. Like, if you’ve seen a 1 year old trying to walk, they fall over 1000 times on average, they pop right back up.

They’re learning. They’re just, they’re, they’re ready to get after it. Now, here’s what’s interesting about fear and the pivot that fear makes after some success is achieved. We now got to kind of go into a prevent defense type of modes, right? Okay. I’ve got some fear or I’ve got some success. I want to hold on to it.

I don’t want to lose it. So that fear now turns into an even greater fear of failure or fear of risk. It’s like, I don’t want to risk it. I don’t want to, I’ve got more people looking at me. I’m more proud of myself now. I’ve got an ego and so I don’t want to look foolish. I don’t want to suck at something.

And so our ability and that fear of. That fear of failure, and now that we’ve had some success shows up into becoming way more risk averse, which then shows up as we’re no longer in learning mode. We’re, we’re now [00:24:00] content with where we are. We’re, we’re, we’re kind of resident experts or subject matter experts now, and we’re much more likely to now want to dish out guidance and advice and bring in new learnings to keep growing.

And so it’s a very interesting dynamic of what happens around fear. Success kind of happens. We, we just stopped doing all the things that kept us moving up and to the right. Um, and that fear of failure, that fear of looking foolish, that fear of a misstep or a stumble, um, now removes all risks that we want to take.

And it kind of goes back to exactly what we were just saying. We get content with the status quo. It’s like, this may be good enough, or this, this trajectory is kind of good enough, and without even realizing it, we. We can’t see it in real time. It only comes with hindsight is the regret from knowing that we settled and never played our [00:25:00] full game, never played at our top potential because we let success scare us into the risk of losing it, uh, instead of being committed to learning, developing and continuously improving.

Well, so 

Mark: let me ask you this, right? How do you get someone out of the comfort zone? How do you get someone off their laurels and back into the front lines? 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, yeah. You know, I think it’s, that’s a, it’s a big question. And I think the easiest thing is to help make sure you never get there to begin with.

Um, and look, there’s a lot of areas in life where, where being comfortable is, is okay. I mean, there’s kind of nothing wrong with that, but you also have to understand reality. And the reality is that growth and comfort do not coexist. So if you want to grow, if you, if you want to develop, if you want to continue to strive towards greater achievement.

The comfort [00:26:00] zone is the last place you want to be because no growth lives there. And so I think when we can think about what does continuous improvement look like, we have to kind of understand the rent that’s due to kind of play that game. And the rent that’s due is, of course, there’s going to be stress.

Of course, there’s going to be anxiety. Of course, there’s going to be, um, the discomfort that comes with growth. I think growing is all about living on the very outer edges of your capabilities and raising kind of the ceiling of what you’re able to do. And so I think not letting the illusion of safety and comfort and security show up as this is what happens once you’ve made it, because there is no once you’ve made it.

I mean, life isn’t a finite game. [00:27:00] And the 2nd that you stop developing is the 2nd that you start declining. So I think 1st and foremost is really understanding the perspective around that is if you’re looking for a life of complete comfort with no stress and no anxiety, which when we’re young, it’s kind of what we’re what we’ve been trained to believe, right?

It’s like become successful and there’s no stress. No anxiety. Everything’s fine. There is that that is a life of no growth. And whatever position that you’re in to have got little stress or little anxiety is probably going to go away because you’re going to get outperformed by someone who’s growing and developing, who’s willing to accept some of that good stress and good anxiety.

All for the sake of improving and developing and always sharpening their tools. So, I think the best strategy to stay to leave the comfort zone is to always have the awareness of the downside of entering to begin with. 

Mark: Yeah, I’m curious. How do you talk to your clients about [00:28:00] failure? Right. I heard somewhere that you should be failing about 25 to 30 percent of the time, which is a lot, you know, um, it should be failing 50, 50, right.

But like somewhere in that 25 to 30 means that you’re expanding your comfort zone, right? That you’re like pushing that edge and working that frontier. Um, but yeah, how do you talk to your people about, about that? Cause it can be hard for a lot of people, especially like you said, if they’re clutching on to their success and their wealth, like failure can seem even more threatening.

Aaron Trahan: Oh, 100%. And, and, and you know what I would say for the vast majority of people that are successful, um, fear takes on, or the, the, the word failure and the fear that comes along with it takes on this monstrous kind of negative connotation. It’s like, I’m successful. I don’t fail. Um, and I’d like to say it like this is if you’re winning at a hundred percent of everything.

You’re, you’re not growing. You’re, you’re think about the underlying psychology there. You’re looking for easy opportunities [00:29:00] where the probability of success and winning is the greatest. Um, and I can assure you in those scenarios, you’re not, you’re not growing. Um, so I think as a society, especially those in the business world.

I think it warrants a complete redefinition of what failure is and the fear of failure. And so, instead of painting it in such a way where failure is just not achieving, coming up short. Um, I mean, you can just think about all the different emojis that kind of come with failure, but let’s take a step back for a second and go through a redefining process.

Fear failure and success are not opposite of each other. Failure is part of success. And I think that has to get burned into any growth or emerging leaders mindset that. We’re going to go out and strive to do anything great. [00:30:00] Achieve anything worth achieving, failure is not something that we’re, you know, we have to avoid at all costs.

It’s an absolute part of the journey. So imagine if we redefined failure as not achieving to instead not trying. Failure for so many people creates inaction and inaction is where the death of growth first starts. When you become inactive and complacent and to risk averse, there’s just no substitute for action.

And so I think. Changing the entire perspective and definition around failure. Is an absolutely critical thing to do, because again, it’s not the opposite of success. It’s part of the journey. 

Mark: Absolutely. Yeah. And I think of, you know, I’m sure you’ve read the book mindset, right? When I talk about fixed mindset, people that are stuck in that, they see failure as like getting in trouble, right.

Or something to be like hidden [00:31:00] or to be ashamed of, or to just. It’s like, you know, super under the rug and just like cover your tracks. Right. It’s kind of like the CYA stuff. Yeah. Whereas what I hear you talking about is of course, the growth mindset thing where failure should be talked about and analyzed and then like, okay, I made these mistakes, but can I do better next time?

Right. This idea of getting back up when you fall off. Um, and yes, I guess a plug for a therapist or coach having somebody or even a group of other entrepreneurs where you can talk about failure openly and not hide it. I think it’s so, so, so, so critical for overcoming this. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, I think we all we all owe it to ourselves to ask the question of who do we have around us?

That’s helping stretch our thinking. Who do we have around us? That’s able to broaden our perspectives, uh, to help us see problems and solutions doing entirely different lens. Um, and to be able to stress test, you know, our own concepts and thesis because, yeah, I, I, I. [00:32:00] I kind of like to use the term that being the smartest person in the room has a terrible ROI.

There is virtually zero upside to be had with massive downsides. So, if you don’t want the feedback loops, if you don’t want the thought partnerships that help you see things from a different lens, that could in fact be the sole intent to prove you wrong about something that you’re absolutely wrong about, and you just want to be the smartest person around.

Um, yeah, there’s, there’s no upside there, and it may, it may stroke your ego in the moment, but there’s, there’s no, that’s no formula for growth. It has a terrible ROI. 

Mark: But if you’re a smart person, you’re in the wrong room, right? Like, go find a room full of people that are going to challenge you and push you and, and like, he said, to collaborate with you.

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, yeah. It’s, I mean, the, the, as James Clear says in the great book, Atomic Habits, your [00:33:00] environment is the invisible hand that shapes your behavior and, you know, find those environments, find those associations that aren’t just an echo chamber of where you’ve come from. But find those environments and associations that are lifting you up at a faster rate to get you to where you want to go.

And it needs to be those sounding boards that tell you what you need to hear, not always what you want to hear. So escape, escape the news cycle of 100 percent confirmation bias. And 1 of the best books I can recommend is Think Again by Adam Grant. Uh, wonderful book, but It, there’s so many useful lessons in there to, it’s a healthy thing to challenge.

Your own concepts, your own thesis, that the way that you view the world, the way that you view the business, because guess what the [00:34:00] world and the business is going to evolve. So if you’re thinking doesn’t evolve with it, there’s no better case study or a one on one scenario on how to become a dinosaur.

Right? Um, so you’ve got to evolve, adapt and grow with your environment. So find environments that help you do that, not hold you back. 

Mark: Well said. Yeah. And I hope our listeners can take that to heart. I think that is so much of it because again, back to the masculinity piece, right? I think we have this myth that we can just willpower our way into all this stuff.

And it’s, it’s no, right? You have to like, change everything. Fundamentally. It’s a paradigm shift. It’s not just like, think harder, right? 

Aaron Trahan: And guess what? If you’re proven wrong about something celebrated, because all that means is you just got smarter. And if you, if your ego or the alpha male syndrome is getting in the way of that, where you never want to be proven wrong, just align the expectations that.

You’re not going to grow, 

Mark: [00:35:00] right? You’re going to be stuck there. Um, so we’re going to move to our final commercial break. When we come back, we’re going to talk directly to you, the listener, um, with some tips, some tricks, some introspective questions, uh, some case studies, things that can really help you moving down this path.

You’re feeling inspired by what Aaron’s saying. Um, I’ll provide you with some next steps that you can take. So, if you’re enjoying this podcast, hang on in there and we’ll see you on the other side.

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Intro: You’re listening to the men’s therapy podcast with Mark Azulay to reach the show. Today, please call 1 888 346 9141 that’s 1 888 346 9141, or send an email to podcast that men’s therapy. online or visit www. menstherapypodcast. com. Now back to the men’s therapy podcast.

Mark: Welcome back to the show. Um, in this year, we talked directly to you, the listener, right? About some of these things that Aaron’s been talking about during the episode. Um, Aaron, one thing that you kept talking about, which I think is critical, right? From a therapy perspective, Buddhist perspective, all the stuff we talked about here is awareness, right?

Without awareness, without any kind of handhold, you can’t make any kind of change, right? If you don’t know there’s a problem, how do you fix it? Um, so you were talking during the break that you have an exercise that you can walk our listeners through to build more awareness into their lives. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, yeah, Mark.

I think you teed that up [00:38:00] perfectly. And so look, when, when I’ll tee it up this way in my corporate background and history, no one has ever come up to me and said, Aaron, I don’t want to see any better results. I don’t want to see any better performance. I don’t want to see any improvement. I think we all operate with some innate sense of wanting and desiring to see better success and growth.

Um, but it kind of comes down to awareness, right? And so if you don’t have a strong foundation of awareness, you have no strong foundation to help generate next level growth. As you said it, you can’t improve or enhance something you’re simply not aware of. And so a great exercise that I like to use, I use it personally and we implemented as a, uh, as a tool for the clients that I work with.

Is a great reflection, um, tool, I’ll say, and [00:39:00] as we talked about in the 1st segment, 1 of the issues that I faced as a young emerging. You know, executive with a big ego was I, I was weak in this area and it drove a lot of other weaknesses. I didn’t have the ability to sit back, reflect and take those reflections.

To improve my awareness. And so now I’ve got a tool to really serve as a mechanism that can help people do that. And it’s really asking yourself three simple questions. And your only job with these questions is to be brutally honest with yourself. The worst thing you can do is lie to yourself here, right?

So it should be fairly easy for everybody to do. The first question is look back on your week. What are three things that went well and why did they go well? Don’t let it sit in the abstract or let it be surface level. Go deeper. What caused it? Why did that happen? What was the catalyst? Find the common threads, [00:40:00] create, you know, create this documentation.

If you want to use this to journal, journaling activity, but really help yourself understand the things that helped you generate the wins for the week. Number two, what are two things that you wanted to go better, and how will you make those things go better in the future? Don’t let it sit surface level.

Go deep. Find out, was it a lack of preparation? Was it, you know, I just, I completely missed this. Why’d you miss this? What should have went better? Um, I just didn’t have my eyes dotted, T’s crossed, whatever it was. Pinpoint the things that you’re going to do differently to make those situations or scenarios go better.

3rd question, think back, and especially with the awareness that comes from the 1st, 2 questions is. What is 1 thing that you learned about yourself this week? And why is that important? And [00:41:00] what I would recommend and how I would recommend using this is. In the week with this, whether if you like to wrap things up on a Friday afternoon, drop 15 minutes on your calendar, make sure you dedicate the strategic thought space to ask yourself these questions.

Or if you’re a Sunday planner, think about it on Sunday, reflect back on the week. What you will find is that your accumulation of these responses. We’ll give yourself your own blueprint on how to improve the very next week, you’ll find common threads. You’ll have light bulbs go off. You’ll provide yourself with insights.

That a lack of awareness never will. So you’re every single week building up a better and better foundation of being aware of how to improve. 

Mark: Yeah, I really love that. Right. I love that just very easy to follow methodology, great questions. And like I said, it only takes about 15 minutes to run through it.

But if you build that data set over a long period of time, you’re going to start to see some pretty powerful trends, I’d [00:42:00] imagine. 

Aaron Trahan: Exactly it. You can go spend 20, 20 bucks for a new book to try and find insights, but I think we lack the awareness sometimes that we just sit back and, and truly reflect and ask ourselves some of these questions, our own insights by forcing us to go a bit of a few layers deeper than we otherwise would.

We can almost write our own book. We can write our own blueprint of finding these common threads. Both the good and the bad, if I can 2x this and remove this, we could, there’s no more empowering thing you can do than creating your own growth blueprint. That’s why I think when used consistently, this is a powerful tool to always make sure you’re fully aware of what’s working, what’s not working and what you’re learning about yourself in the process.

It’s just powerful insights that we all have access to. 

Mark: Yeah, and I want to hone in another aspect, which is so critical. [00:43:00] Um, that you talked about, which is having the strategic thinking time, right? Just having some time. So I use David Allen’s game, things done system. And he talks about having a weekly review that includes some of these aspects, um, which is great.

And once I started separating like planning and strategy from execution and action, my life really changed for the better. Because before I was just kind of running, you know, doing what I had to do during that day and then crashing at night and then waking up and doing the same thing. I was like, I was a robot, right?

Um, I was getting successes, but I wasn’t being strategic about the task that I was doing. 

Aaron Trahan: I, I, I can’t stress that point enough. So anything that’s important enough. Needs to have the dedicated space and time to strategically think about it. So, you know, you’re probably, your audience may be thinking, Oh, these questions are simple and basic enough.

Yeah, I’ll incorporate this. I’ll think about it on my drive to and from work, whatever it may be. Don’t. Go to your calendars, create a 15 [00:44:00] minute block, 20 minute block, 30 minute block, create the space to do the reflecting and it’s not going to be in the hustle and bustle of your day. It’s not going to be incorporated into another routine.

So I think the best gift you can give yourself is that time to truly reflect and allow the real insights to come out. Um, it’s not going to take more than 15 minutes. And even once you kind of get into a rhythm, I would say it’s probably less than 10, but make it intentional, be deliberate, be strategic.

If not, the output of what you’re looking for is just going to be at the mercy of the noise and the busyness around you. And so create the space for the real insights to happen and that you just can’t be deliberate enough. Then creating that that time on your calendar. 

Mark: Absolutely. Yeah, just double underline that, right?

It’s like, it’s as important as a meeting, right? It’s the most important [00:45:00] thing. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, I would go as far as say, as I look back on my week, the insights that I’m able to generate from it. It is my most important meeting, right? Because. If we’re looking and we truly, if we’re honest with ourselves and we’re looking for that aspiration to get better and to improve, I’m not sure there’s more, more insights from anything else that I get from the week than this to ensure that I can show up and, and, you know, really operate with that continuous improvement operating system and getting better each and every single day, each and every single week.

You don’t have the reflection. You don’t have the awareness. You don’t have the improvements. It’s just that simple. 

Mark: Yeah. So, you know, as we’re moving towards the end here, I want to ask you about kind of this like greater vision, right? This direction is, you know, idea for success, you know, how do you really operationalize and define that?

Um, because yeah, like I think a lot of guys are stuck in that whirlwind where it’s just day to day, [00:46:00] but they don’t have that North star or that compass that they’re moving towards. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, I think with just about everything in life, it’s important to kind of understand the differentiators. It’s important to understand the golden threads, right?

And from when I was at an early age and an emerging executive, you know, I wanted to, I want it to be great, but I want it to be great for a long period of time. Anybody can be great for a week, for a month, for a year. But the big question is, how do I continue to do this? Over the long term longevity is the key to mastery, right?

And so if you don’t want to be a flash in the pan, if you don’t want to just have a good year and then success eats you alive and you give it all back through years of decline, I noticed 3 things with successful people who always continue to find new levels of success that were different from those that seemed to [00:47:00] peak and plateau out early.

Uh, And I’ve really distilled it down into what I call my, my three out growth formula. Right? And so this is kind of, if you do these three things consistently, I don’t think there’s a lot of guarantees in life. This is as close as it gets to finding new levels of growth and success. Number one, is they outprepared everyone around them.

You look at those people that find new levels of success. You weren’t catching them off guard. You weren’t catching them unprepared. You weren’t catching them asleep at the wheel. They were incredible students. They did their homework. They did their due diligence. They had the eyes dotted the T’s crossed because they put in the work to be prepared.

There’s a great saying out there that says you’re not really prepared unless you’re prepared for worst case scenario. And I think that kind of simplifies these people as they went above and beyond to always ensure that they were prepared. And created a strong position for themselves, [00:48:00] regardless of what the environment of the world through with them.

That was number 1. number 2 is they out leveraged everyone else around them and we all only have 24 hours in a day. We all only have 7 days in a week. We all only have 12 months in a year. So. What you’re able to do with that time is so important. So many people make the mistake of saying in interviews and look, I’m guilty as charged.

I’m sure I’ve said this in interviews before is what separates me is I’m the hardest worker, right? I’m going to outwork everybody. I’m going to, I’m just, you know, you know, my work ethic is what separates me, but all successful people are going to realize you’re going to get to a certain level where you look around and guess what?

Everybody’s a hard worker. It’s not a differentiator. It’s just. It’s rent that’s due to get in the room that you’re in. So putting in more hours is not going to be the answer. Finding leverage on your [00:49:00] time and focus and energy is how can you create the gap from what you’re putting in to what you’re getting out?

So when you can find leverage in your productivity and in your outputs, another common theme with those that continue to find new levels of success and the number three. To wrap this up in something that we’ve already talked about, strangely enough, number three is they outlearned everyone around them, regardless of title, regardless of status.

They weren’t showing up as the smartest person in the room, they were showing up in the room to learn, even from people underneath them, they were learning machines. They were absorbing everything. They didn’t just want to see a KPI. They wanted to understand why the KPI is what it is. What drove it? What did we miss?

What can we do better? They were learning machines. And so I’ll ask the audience this question. Have you ever seen anyone In your circle of influence out, [00:50:00] prepare out, leverage in out, learn everyone around them consistently over a long period of time and not find greater growth and success. I’ve yet to have an example because it’s a, it’s this undefeated rule of success and growth that if you can stay consistent with these things, you’re shifting the odds and the probability of greater success overwhelmingly in your favor.

Mark: Yeah, really well said. I think somebody just to remember, hold in and just try to figure out how to work in each of those categories. Um, Aaron, we are rushing towards the end of the show. It’s been great to have you. Okay. Let people know where they might learn more about you online. 

Aaron Trahan: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So, um. You know, by all means, welcome anyone to visit my website, which is performance mindset coaching dot C. O. Uh, you can learn more about me, my background, my mythology, kind of the different levels at which my approach is, uh, the different ways that we can work together. [00:51:00] Um, I do, you know, a limited number of 1 on 1 engagements.

I also have kind of group programs that can bring high performers together and type of a mastermind cohort. Uh, and then I also encourage you to, let’s, let’s connect on LinkedIn. I’m frequently showing up there. I’m trying to provide some type of, uh, value in terms of, uh, leadership tips and mindset tips almost on a daily basis.

And so, uh, yeah, those are the two places I show up, show up the most and would love to love to connect and engage. 

Mark: That’s great. I love you have all those different levels that people can interact with. So if you’re interested in this at all, go follow him on LinkedIn at the very least, right? That’s free.

No money down. Get some of Aaron’s talks. Um, some of his wisdom. Yeah, exactly. Right. It’s like zero input, um, and tons of great output. But Aaron, thank you so much for being on the show. Um, if you’re listening and you’re enjoying this, please give us a five star review on Apple. iTunes. Um, we’re really trying to build those up and if there’s a guy in your life, [00:52:00] someone that’s maybe an entrepreneur or a corporate want to taste their life and their job to next level for this podcast to them, let them listen to Aaron, let them get a sense of what kind of resources are out there for them to help, um, and move, just keep moving forward.

Right. And being open to learn. So Aaron, thank you so much for being on the show. Thanks, mark. This was great. Take care everybody, and we’ll see you next week. Another episode of the Men’s Therapy Podcast.

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