Why do so many men who look like they have it all together secretly feel like they’re about to be found out? Imposter syndrome in men rarely looks like self-doubt from the outside. More often it looks like a packed calendar, a growing résumé, and a constant sense that none of it counts.
In this episode of the Men’s Therapy Podcast, host Mark Azoulay talks with Kealy Spring, a Bay Area therapist who specializes in working with high achievers. Kealy has felt imposter syndrome herself, which is a big part of why she works with this population today.
Together they trace how pressure, perfectionism, and the fear of being exposed push men into overworking, procrastination, and emotional suppression. They also cover what it costs them at work, in leadership, and at home, and what it takes to step off the treadmill.
This episode is for men who keep hitting the next milestone and still feel like a fraud. It’s for founders, executives, and leaders who can’t slow down, and for men who deflect every compliment because there’s always more to do. It’s also useful for partners, therapists, and coaches who want to understand what’s happening underneath a “crushing it” exterior.
Kealy describes imposter syndrome as a continuum. At one end is the situational version, like feeling like a fraud in a new job. At the other is a deeper pattern embedded in the psyche that overlaps heavily with perfectionism. The common thread is fear, specifically the fear of being found out and of being seen as low value.
Among high achievers, that fear feeds on comparison. When everyone around you is competitive, it’s easy to assume they know what they’re doing and you don’t. Mark adds the masculinity piece: men are expected to be the provider, the success story, and the guy who has it all together. Social media and modern male stereotypes leave little room between “alpha” and “goofy dad,” so admitting you’re struggling can feel like failing.
Kealy says imposter syndrome tends to show up in two opposite ways: procrastination or overworking. Some men freeze, afraid that any move could be the wrong one. Others double down and end up on a treadmill of providing and performing while feeling that something is wrong inside. Left unchecked, that loop is a fast track to burnout.
She also breaks perfectionism into three types:
The other-oriented type is a common leadership problem. Men stuck in perfectionism get shorter with their teams, listen less, and bring the same tension home to their families. Mark calls the resulting mindset “Terminator mode,” where everyone in the way becomes an obstacle.
Many men with imposter syndrome credit the team, luck, or timing. Kealy says they often truly believe they didn’t earn their success. Mark adds another angle: a compliment can feel like a signal that the job is done, and stopping feels dangerous. Underneath is the question Kealy hears often: “If I let this go, what do I have?”
The good news is that imposter syndrome and perfectionism are workable. Kealy likes cognitive behavioural therapy for this population because it helps men catch repeating thoughts and redirect them. She shares the story of a client on a Forbes 30 Under 30 list who insisted it was all about other people. By walking through what he had actually done, he slowly began to own it.
A lot. Mark points out that many men treat feelings as obstacles to fix so they can get back to work. Others numb them with drinking, gaming, or procrastination, but the feeling comes back stronger. Kealy calls anger the “outward-facing” emotion, with vulnerability, sadness, and loneliness sitting underneath.
Building emotional intelligence starts with language. Kealy gives clients a feelings word list to track what they’re actually experiencing, because “good, bad, great” doesn’t go far. She also draws on Susan David’s idea of emotional agility, which treats emotions as data rather than identity: “I’m having the feeling of frustration,” not “I am frustrated.” Mark reminds listeners it may get messier before it gets better, but leaning in is how you get control back.
Kealy points to family of origin, including high expectations, conflict at home, and having to navigate things without support. Grades and sports become a source of self-worth, and society keeps rewarding the achievement, so the praise never reaches the inner story.
Mark and Kealy also discuss how many millennial men were told to save the world and treated a stable life as failure, while the economic reality got harder. In that context, feeling like an imposter is almost predictable.
Kealy’s approach is to “work the edges” rather than overhaul everything at once. She often starts with an energy audit: track your time for a week, sort it by priority, and note what gives you energy versus what drains it. From there, men can delegate and make room for what matters, like their kid’s soccer game. She also suggests two simple steps for after the episode: write down your accomplishments, since writing and reading them engages your brain differently, and talk to someone you trust, because imposter syndrome thrives in silence.
You can find Kealy at her website, where she shares more about her therapy and coaching practice. You can connect with her on LinkedIn. Her podcast is called Therapeutically Aligned, which can be accessed on YouTube.
Ready to go deeper? Men’s Therapy Online offers Individual therapy built specifically for men. Also consider joining the Men’s Group and the free Slack Community where over 250 men have real conversations about growth, identity, and men’s mental health.
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Disclaimer: MTO connects men with licensed practitioners who provide guidance and support for navigating the challenges of modern life. These coaching services are not a substitute for mental health treatment, emergency services, or crisis support.
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MTO connects men with licensed practitioners who provide guidance and support for navigating the challenges of modern life. These coaching services are not a substitute for mental health treatment, emergency services, or crisis support.
