In this episode of The Men’s Therapy Podcast, host Marc Azoulay is sitting down with two deeply respected clinicians. Jack Lambert, LMHC, and Ben White, LPC. They explore the emotional landscape men confront during divorce. Their conversation is opening a window into an experience many men are living silently: the grief, confusion, and emotional shutdown that divorce often sparks.
Jack is working extensively with gay and queer men navigating major life transitions, including separation, identity loss, and the struggle to rebuild after relationship trauma. He notes that “divorce is often felt as a rock bottom, not because it always is one, but because culturally men are not taught how to handle emotional rupture.”
Ben mainly works with straight men across multiple states. He shares a parallel observation: “It’s interesting how often divorce is the event that finally pushes men into therapy. Something really life-shattering happens, and suddenly the wheels that were in motion for years become undeniable.”
Together, they shed light on why divorce isn’t just a legal separation. It’s an emotional reckoning. Their clinical insights reveal how men often reach this stage feeling isolated, ashamed, or stuck in anger, and how the process of emotional healing must begin with confronting the grief they have long avoided.
This episode isn’t simply about divorce. It’s about reclaiming emotional intelligence, rebuilding identity, and learning what healthier masculinity looks like on the other side of heartbreak.
Grief is emerging as the central emotional force shaping the divorce experience for men. Jack explains that divorce is “the death of a relationship.” It behaves like any other major loss, bringing waves of sadness, denial, anger, and disorientation. Yet, because many men have been socialized to suppress vulnerability, these emotions often turn inward or outward in harmful ways.
Ben highlights a pattern in his practice: “People come to therapy because they know something is about to collapse. Therapy isn’t always about saving the relationship. It’s sometimes the lifeline they prepare before the storm hits.”
This anticipatory grief, feeling the loss before it officially happens, often shows up as emotional shutdown in men, irritability, or intense rigidity in communication. Both therapists emphasize that acknowledging grief is the first step in making divorce recovery meaningful rather than destructive.
One of the most striking themes the therapists raise is the way rigid masculinity traps men emotionally. Jack names it directly: “If you start any sentence with ‘it’s the man’s job to…,’ the wheels are already too shaky.” Men raised to avoid vulnerability often interpret divorce as personal failure, which triggers shame rather than self-reflection.
This emotional shutdown in men leads to behaviours that sabotage healing, silence, defensiveness, avoidance, or aggression. Ben notes that many men “only feel allowed to express anger or sexual desire. Everything else gets buried.”
This narrow range of expression becomes especially visible in sexless marriage narratives. Couples often blame the lack of sex, but Jack reminds listeners that “sex is the entry point. It tells you about the emotional connection underneath.”
The real work begins when men learn to name and tolerate difficult emotions instead of masking them.
Divorce can trigger long-buried wounds from childhood and previous relationships. Relationship trauma manifests as fear of abandonment, resentment, or compulsive self-blame. Jack shares examples of clients who sabotage relationships not because they want to, but because “they believe they have the capacity to harm and don’t trust themselves.”
Ben emphasizes that destructive behaviours such as affairs, emotional outbursts, and substance misuse rarely come out of nowhere. They’re often the culmination of years of unspoken emotional pain: “Anger feels more gratifying than facing what’s really making you suffer.”
Bringing these shadow emotions into the open is essential. Without examining them, men risk repeating the same patterns in future relationships.
Many men define themselves through roles: provider, protector, partner, father. When divorce dismantles these roles, men often experience profound identity loss. They may wonder: Who am I without my marriage? Who am I as a father now? What does it mean to move forward?
Jack sees this especially in gay or bisexual men who come out later in life. He says, “It feels like the opportunities are slim. They believe they’re starting below zero.” But both therapists emphasize that identity can be rebuilt. Divorce is painful, but it is also a rare opportunity to reevaluate the beliefs and expectations that shaped one’s relationships.
Co-parenting is one of the most emotionally complex aspects of divorce. Ben warns that when a father is consumed by anger or demonizing his ex-partner, “there’s no space left to support the relationship with the children.”
Jack adds, “Your kids will never thank you for villainizing the other parent.” Healthy co-parenting requires emotional intelligence, accountability, communication and the willingness to separate personal hurt from parental responsibility. For divorced dads, this is often the hardest but most essential part of the healing process.
Divorce is not the end of a man’s life. It’s the beginning of understanding himself more deeply. Grief is painful, but it is also clarifying. As Marc summarizes in the episode, therapy is “accountability without shame”. It is a place where men can become more emotionally flexible, reflective, and connected.
Jack and Ben remind listeners that emotional healing isn’t about becoming someone different. It’s about becoming someone more whole. For men navigating divorce recovery, rebuilding identity, or learning to co-parent, the path begins with one courageous act: looking inward.
Jack Lambert, LMHC, is a New York–based therapist. He specializes in the emotional lives of gay and queer men. His work explores identity development and relationship transitions. He focuses on the unique grief liberation that accompanies life changes such as divorce. Jack brings a compassionate, direct, and deeply insightful clinical voice to discussions about masculinity, emotional connection, and the complexities of coming out later in life.
Ben White, LPC, is a Colorado-based therapist. He works with men navigating relationship challenges, divorce recovery, and major life transitions. His therapeutic approach emphasizes emotional honesty, self-awareness, and the courage to confront painful experiences without shame. Ben is known for helping men break out of emotional shutdown, understand the roots of their relational patterns, and rebuild their lives with clarity and resilience.
The Dad Edge Podcast by Larry Hagner
Website: https://www.jacklambertlmhc.org/
Website: https://www.benjaminwhite.us/
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