The fawn response is one of the most misunderstood patterns in men’s psychology. It doesn’t look like weakness. It looks like generosity, agreeableness, and keeping the peace. But underneath it, there’s usually a man who is terrified of being rejected, disconnected from his own needs, and slowly building resentment he has no healthy outlet for.
That’s exactly where this conversation goes.
In this episode of the Men’s Therapy Podcast, host Marc Azoulay sits down with Nima Rahmany — ex-chiropractor turned men’s coach and founder of the Becoming Trigger Proof framework — to unpack why so many high-performing men are secretly running a fawn response in their relationships, and why no amount of mindset work or personal development fixes it.
The episode is honest, direct, and at times uncomfortable, exactly the kind of conversation most men have never had. Nima opens with a personal story of becoming physically violent in a relationship, tracing it back not to anger, but to years of fawning: people-pleasing, self-abandoning, and suppressing his truth out of fear. That moment of violence, he explains, was the explosion that follows years of suffocation.
“Fawning is saying yes when the body is saying no.”
And for many men, it is so ingrained it doesn’t even register as a choice.
The episode covers:
Nima is direct, personal, and deeply knowledgeable. He isn’t offering a theory. He lived it. And the result is a framework that’s changing how men relate to themselves and the people they love.
This episode is for men who recognise something of themselves in the pattern of over-giving, conflict-avoidance, and quiet resentment. If you’ve ever felt like the harder you try in a relationship, the less seen you feel, this conversation will likely land hard. It’s also for men doing the work: in therapy, in men’s groups, or simply asking better questions about who they are and how they got here.
The fawn response is a trauma-driven survival mechanism where a person manages perceived threat by appeasing or pleasing the source of danger. Alongside fight, flight, and freeze, it is the fourth “F” of the nervous system’s threat response. In men, it masquerades as generosity and agreeableness, making it one of the hardest patterns to spot and one of the most damaging to leave unaddressed.
Nice guy syndrome is the pattern of abandoning your own needs and boundaries to be liked and avoid conflict. The fawn response is the nervous system mechanism underneath it. As Nima explains, people-pleasing is not a character flaw, it’s a childhood attachment strategy that is still running decades later. And no amount of personal development fixes it, because most personal development is just another way of running from the shame driving it.
“Personal development was unconsciously used as a form of hating that version of me.”
Drawing on his chiropractic and somatic background, Nima explains how suppressed emotion creates physical constriction, and how that constriction, held over time, becomes the root of chronic illness. True trauma healing requires both a top-down and bottom-up approach: the story and the nervous system, together. Talking alone is not enough.
“The energy doesn’t go away. It gets trapped in the body. And trapped constriction over time creates inflammation — the precursor to every chronic illness.”
Shadow work is the process of turning towards the parts of yourself you have rejected rather than trying to eliminate them. Nima went all in on shadow work after his moment of violence, realising that suppressed parts do not disappear — they surface in affairs, porn, and patterns that no mindset work can touch. Rooted in attachment theory, his approach helps men see their avoidance and over-giving not as personality traits, but as survival strategies that can be unlearned.
“Trying to get rid of that part of me was futile. The real work is turning towards it and understanding it.”
Nima’s framework is direct: men keep fawning because they would rather carry resentment than feel the guilt of being seen as the bad guy. Learning how to stop people pleasing means flipping that trade, choosing the discomfort of guilt over the slow poison of resentment. The goal is not assertiveness for its own sake. It’s becoming what he calls “elegantly boundaried”: a man who knows his worth and can hold space for someone else’s reaction without abandoning himself to manage it.
“I’m choosing resentment over guilt. So to break the cycle, you must choose guilt.”
Nima’s answer is unambiguous: the goal of the work is not your parents’ acknowledgement. It is to become the man who no longer needs it. If a conversation does happen, the intention matters everything, going in to humanise them rather than to receive an apology. Otherwise, you’re still the child seeking validation, not the man doing the work.
“The only answer is to become the understanding that you are seeking.”
You can find Nima Rahmany at his website, where you will find his programs, retreats, and the Becoming Trigger Proof framework. He is also active on Instagram and welcomes direct messages from men who’re working through these patterns. His book, Becoming Trigger Proof, is also due for release and will serve as a comprehensive guide to the work explored in this episode. You can also take the attachment style quiz Nima recommends as a starting point for understanding your own patterns.
If this episode resonated, consider checking out more episodes of the Men’s Therapy Podcast, exploring individual therapy or men’s groups and also join the free Men’s Therapy Online Slack community, where over 300 men are working on exactly this.
Sameera Sullivan, a matchmaker, joins Marc Azoulay to unpack why dating feels so hard for men right now. Learn what it takes to find and keep a real relationship. Drawing on her experience vetting and coaching clients, Sameera explains how app fatigue, endless options, and approach anxiety leave many good men stuck. They discuss how attachment styles, love languages, and personality types shape compatibility,
Listen Now
Unpack what a modern midlife crisis actually looks like. Learn why the old stereotypes get it wrong. Discover how it can become an initiation instead of a collapse.
Listen NowGet expert insights, podcast drops, blog highlights, and upcoming events straight to your inbox,
built for men who want to grow, lead, and live with purpose.
Address: PO Box 142, Evergreen, CO 80439
Phone: (301) 442-9119
MTO connects men with licensed practitioners who provide guidance and support for navigating the challenges of modern life. These coaching services are not a substitute for mental health treatment, emergency services, or crisis support.
