Family Leadership w/ Nate Riggs

Family Leadership w/ Nate Riggs

November 10, 2023

Our guest, Nate Riggs, comes on the show to talk about how he used his experience in the Navy to become a leader. He left the 9-5 and started his own business as a real estate agent. He strives to balance the role of provider with the role of father.

Episode Transcript:

Intro: [00:00:00] Mark Azulay is an industry leader in psychotherapy and men’s mental health. He’s helped countless guys get back on their feet, deepen their relationships, and excel in their lives. Now he’s taken all that he has learned and is sharing it with you. In each episode, Mark will interview an expert in the field of masculinity and men’s work.

We’ll cover topics such as emotional intelligence, masculine identity, anger, management, financial health, trauma recovery, marriage, and divorce ethics and spirituality tune in and become a better man. 

Mark: Welcome back to the show. I’m your host, Mark Azulay, and I’m here with Nate Riggs. He’s a Florida native.

He’s a river rat that has turned entrepreneur and family man. Nate, 

Nate Riggs: welcome to the show. Hey, Mark. Thanks so much. Uh, really appreciate it. I’m excited to be here. I love the love the intro and all the things. Can’t wait to see where we go with it. 

Mark: Yeah, I’m excited to have you on because I [00:01:00] think what we often interview is coaches and therapists and people that are in the wellness world.

And I love the fact that you’re like just a guy. I mean, you’re real estate broker and agent and you know, they’re successful in your own right. But you’ve come to this work from a different direction. I think that’s a really valuable voice to have. Okay, cool, cool. Yeah. Cool. I’m excited too. Yeah. So let’s start at the beginning, right?

Like what were some of your original messages or ideas about masculinity when you were 

Nate Riggs: growing up? Yeah. So that’s good. I had, um, I didn’t really realize this until I was a little bit older, but you know, I had some, I had some pretty good guys in my life. I had, uh, first of all, my dad, who actually is a pastor and a public speaker, but you know, we did, um, we had a flower shop and other stuff.

So a little bit of small business mix. Then I didn’t go to daycare or anything. I spent a lot of time with my grandpas. Um, and so one was really, uh, my grandpa Bill, who was my mom’s dad. Um, so it was my actual grandpa and then my grandpa Orvis, who [00:02:00] actually really was never really, uh, he was like my grandma’s, Boyfriend , if you will.

And so all three of these guys had like this totally different like approach to, uh, life kind of. And uh, grandpa Orvis, you know, he was like a World War II vet guy type guy. And then Grandpa Bill was a Korean War vet. And then my dad, no military experience or anything, all but you know, maybe the, the spiritual warfare side I guess you could say.

And so, uh, kind of you mix all that, those influences together. Um, kind of set you on a path. Through life that you don’t really think about until you’re in your mid twenties or thirties, and you’re like, wow, those were pretty influential guys. And that was really after, you know, the grandpas had passed on.

So you don’t have them anymore. You move out of the household. So you’re not with your dad anymore. And now you’re in the workforce and you have different bosses and stuff that become your influence. Um, so there was a few guys there too. And so I, I kind of actually, um, in my early twenties started actively seeking.[00:03:00] 

Out, you know, what’s, what’s the type of guy I want to be. Um, there was a couple of others too, uh, growing up, you know, some different friends that, you know, you, you get like a close friend and then you spend a lot of time with their dad. Uh, my brother, he, uh, was friends, uh, with a different family and then their dad.

So he was like, business owner, but like white collar business owner. The dad of my friend that I was really close to was like, you know, in a painting business, never finished middle school. Right. So he kind of self made, but through hard work. So I’m super, uh, you know, I’m, I’m guessing pretty lucky about those influences, those male role models.

Mark: Yeah, so I want to break them down a little bit because it sounds like you’re around some of these like modern male leader archetypes, you know, I’m hearing like the soldier and veteran, right? I’m hearing the business owner. I’m hearing the pastor and spiritual leader and they were saying how they each have their own style.

So what were their styles like and how were they similar or different? 

Nate Riggs: And so, um, yeah, With, uh, with the grandfathers, [00:04:00] definitely a little more, obviously they’re at a stage in life where they’re retired or, you know, and so they’re kind of taking it easy a little bit. So you’re learning just to like, you know, if you’re out on a walk with Orvis, uh, what is this berry on the tree?

I don’t know. Let’s just have a bite of it and see, you know, well, maybe we will get sick. Maybe we won’t. That was kind of, you know, uh, He was into fishing. That’s where we were on a fishing boat all the time. So a lot of outdoorsman type stuff, a lot of nature type stuff. Now you bounce back to my father, who’s really like a counselor.

You’re learning. How are you? And that’s where maybe I learned a lot of my, because the grandpas are rough. and grumpy grandpas, right? You know, even though you love them as a kid, you know, they could get grumpy if you’re, so you’re like, let me learn how to navigate the grumpiness and maybe negotiate what I’m looking for in life where, um, dad is more like the gentle spirit and, uh, more of the, the empathizing with different individuals, [00:05:00] um, the counselor side of things.

So, and just learning. You know, I learned a lot from my dad about how the world’s not really what you think it is, because remember, my dad’s my dad’s counseling certain people and all different ethics and different things involved. There were certain people who’s like, Hey, stay away from that guy in town, right?

You know, because he’s had these private conversations and he’s like, I don’t think my kid get influenced or anything else, you know, otherwise there. Uh, so that was cool. You’re like, You’re getting like the back, I don’t know, man, that, that, when your dad’s like a public speaker like that, and it’s a very, the spotlight is on you, everybody’s paying attention to you.

Everybody’s watching you to see what you do, you know, because if your dad’s leading people and you’re acting up, they’re just going to say he’s a bad leader, right? It just kind of like, so you have to kind of like. Be a part of that. Um, it’s a lifestyle more than anything. And so you learn a lot about that.

Um, I guess. And so that, that was all fascinating. And then from the business owners, it’s all that hard [00:06:00] work side of things. Uh, nobody had a nine to five, I guess is what I’m saying. Like, you know, whether it was my father or the grandparents or the business owner guys. So like the idea of, uh, Just kind of like, like a lot of people go through life.

Oh, you go to school, you get a good education and then you get a good job. Like there was no idea of a job ever, you know? So, um, that was all kind of cool. Those, those influences were kind of, kind of big. I don’t know what you remind me of the original question if you were looking for more, but, um, that’s 

Mark: really helpful.

Yeah. I’m just curious, like the messages you got. And how you synthesize them, right? You talk in your story that you went out after getting these messages and figured out what kind of guy you want to be. Yeah. I’m curious, like what, what, uh, what was appealing to you? What was attractive to you? 

Nate Riggs: Man. So, uh, definitely being, being outdoors and then being, uh, definitely on the life saving side of things, I guess.

So, um, my first job Actually, it was as a lifeguard. So I went, um, down to the, uh, pool, got all of my lifeguard certification, started, uh, [00:07:00] teaching swim lessons. You know, we grew up in Florida. I don’t remember not knowing how to swim. Um, so I talk about being on the river. I was in that boat every day. And then my great grandpa had this, like, he had an above ground pool.

That was so dirt. They’re only like three and a half foot deep. You couldn’t see the bottom. It was like algae and green. We swam in that thing because it was the early 90s and that was like normal then, I guess, but, um, you know, so that adventurous spirit, like I’m more comfortable underwater than I am up here, like breathing air.

And so it’s important. I guess I had a passion for Um, teaching swimming lessons and other stuff, because, you know, I saw that as a, as a valuable thing. And then I ran into people that didn’t know how to swim and, and, uh, even kind of in, in like the ninth grade, I knew of some, uh, another family where, uh, the two boys, they’re like, you know, one was like quarterback on a football team.

It wasn’t real strong swimmer and tried to kind of like wade across a cove at a lake where they were camping and he drowned. I mean, even in you’re talking like your mid teenage years, just from panic and other things. So I always was, [00:08:00] that was something that hit me and I was like, man, I gotta, I gotta do my part for others that grew into, um, I always had a passion for real estate.

So I had went to college for real estate, but I Through some other things that we may or may not get into a kind of detour for a little bit. Um, and then that’s when I went in the Navy as a search and rescue swimmer. So it was always at, like, if I’m going to go in the military, where’s the search and rescue side of it?

Or the lifesaving side of it? Not necessarily the, the, the aggressive front side of it, but the very, like. You know what I mean? I don’t know if that makes any sense. 

Mark: I do. Yeah. And I’m curious if you linked it with the masculine value of like being a protector, right. Or being like a guard, like it sounds like, you know, being like a killer, right.

Or like an aggressor didn’t, or predator didn’t feel right to you, but being like, you know, the guy that holds the shield was way more appealing. 

Nate Riggs: Yeah, definitely. Um, that’s definitely, I think a big part of, of how I, I view masculinity as a, as a provider and protector. And I’m always, I’m always that way. Um, You know where, okay, do it like I’m [00:09:00] like, I go to the gym every day still and I’m training and like, what am I training for?

Because I’m not like competing for bodybuilding or something. And you know, I made a post a little bit ago. It was like a real and it was just, I don’t do this a lot. It’s probably the one like post of me in the gym, but I was like pushing the sled or something. And I was like, Hey, what do you like? What are you going to do?

Like, can you, uh, you know, you, you witnessed a car accident in the, are you able to drag that stranger to the side of the road to safety? Like, you know, you and your buddy, you have a boating accident. Can you like swim him to shore that the house is burning down? Are you going to get your family out? Like, do you have what it takes?

You know? And so to me, I’m like, that’s why I train or it seems silly. Cause these things may or may not ever happen in my life. But if you watch the news, this stuff kind of happens. And if you’re there right place at the right time, like when the call comes, are you going to be able to step up to the plate and make a difference, 

Mark: you know?

So you’re training for that future emergency or you have to make a snap second decision. [00:10:00] Yeah. Yeah. I, uh, that’s definitely a huge part of my life. Yeah. So tell me more about that, like protector provider role. Sounds like you’ve really embraced that. 

Nate Riggs: Um, yeah, I think everybody, uh, for one, like now you can mix into the, the emotional side, like different love languages or something.

I never read the book, but I’ve, I’ve heard the stories and the things, and I would definitely say like the ability to give is, uh, You know, something that gives me that’s rewarding to me that fills a spot in my soul being able to give. So whether that’s, you know, ensuring not, you know, that my family has transportation that has a house that I have financial stability and not just financial stability.

There’s, there’s the part of, like, I want to kind of, and I’ve talked about this on other interviews, but this, like, this middle class kind of mold where I think we just go in a cycle and it goes, you know, the, you know, Uh, the parents maybe figure they start at the bottom, they figure it out, but then it’s like, you’re 18 out the door, start at the bottom, figure it out.

And it just repeats over and over. And [00:11:00] I want to be able to like, not do that, but to like pass the baton. I want to make sure like, you know, I know of families where the children move all over the country and the family kind of separates it in my mind. I’m like searching, why does that happen? Like, I want, I want my children to be like, I want to come home.

They can, you know, start their own families and do their own thing. And I think. That’s important. It’s not that I want them to be 30 years old in my basement, like the other jokes say, you know, but, but I want to be like, what, what a proof of success would it be that if you’re like grownup children are like, Hey, we want to come to your place for the holidays.

Hey, we want to come visit you, you know, you, you, we want to live in the town and we want to, we want to take over your business and be a part of that together, you know, um, I think that’s something that we’re, that I’m definitely striving for to kind of build in that, um, you know, provider role. Uh, as far as protector role, I mean, that, yeah, I’m gonna, coming from flying, uh, search and [00:12:00] rescue, you have, Super high attention to detail, just anything aviation wise in the military is like, um, really high attention to detail and this and that.

And then, you know, going through that, we were a multi role platform. So our, our helicopter and the Navy ran like radar and surface warfare and search and rescue, and then helicopter, uh, door gunning. And then there were different qualifications. Now some guys would take different paths with that. Some guys would want to get into the tactics.

So they would, they would study and get additional calls on, um, You know, the, the surface warfare and stuff. And then other guys got in search and rescue. I actually like really went down the gun path. Um, I became a helicopter door gunner instructor and then went on to be an instructor for my last tour where I was training these kids and I really loved.

Uh, even in that role, like being able to pour into the thing, you know, I wasn’t an instructor that like, you weren’t going to fail on my flights basically, as long as you, you know, showed up and you weren’t, you know, a rock, but, uh, You know, I just, I love [00:13:00] teaching and I love pouring into them and making sure, like I just said, like, we want to pass that baton in life.

I want to, you know, I don’t, I don’t want to be the male guy. I, I joke all the time. I like the guy who’s like, I’m watching football. Get me another beer, kind of like masculinity. But the masculinity is like, Hey. Look, look at me, I will outrun you, I will out drive you, I will outdo anything, and then I’m going to bring you along and I’m going to give you the tools to do it.

And then at some point I want to see you fly past me. 

Mark: Yeah, I love that. Right. I mean, something I talk with my guys about is what male love, masculine love looks like And it’s that, right? It’s being, it’s both setting the goal and coaching someone to get to that goal. You know, it’s that combination. Um, whereas I think more traditional feminine love is kind of that unconditional love, which we also need.

But like the masculine love is being like, yeah, like you’re not good enough, but I’m going to help you get better. 

Nate Riggs: Right, right. And, uh, it’s a challenge, you know, we have. I have a daughter and then I have two young boys and then we’re [00:14:00] about to have our fourth kid in January. And so like trying to put like, Hey, like I want to do.

And, uh, I’ll preface this with saying like, I feel like I had the best, okay. Nobody’s parents are perfect, but as far as parents go, I had the best possible parents you could have. Right. So there, obviously there’s things I’m like me and my wife talk about and either her parents or my parents, Hey, let’s do it different.

Let’s do it. differently with our kids. Um, and we, and we really work on like self reflection and like being better and not better as in like, uh, we have negative thoughts on our upbringing, but just we want to continue to get better. And then we want our kids to be better than us and our grandkids. And we want to sit back and look at this whole thing.

But it is tough with like, You know, everything, like how aggressive do I have to be with the kids? Is it, uh, like, am I the silent dad? Am I like, do I, am I silent? But if, uh, you know, maybe once in a while I’m going to raise my voice and I want them to, Oh, he raised his voice. Like he must be serious. Right.

Or, or, [00:15:00] you know, are there spankings timeout? What is the right balance? And something my wife, almost every time we disciplined the kids were like. Should we do, is this, did I do it right? Did you do it right? Like, you know, we, I’m, I’m lucky, uh, to be married to someone that we can have that we could come to each other.

She’ll come to me and be like, you know, I don’t know. It was a little aggressive there, but. This, that, the other like, okay, cool. Let’s tone it down next time. See what happens if they’re going to respond. So, um, but raising boys, we’ve, we’ve done a good job too. They’re like four and they’re two and a half and they’re definitely wild and it’s, it’s a joy.

We love them. So, 

Mark: yeah, that’s a really interesting topic. Um, we’re going to move into our break soon, but I want to hear more about, yeah, like modern parenting. You know, we were chatting a little bit before the show recorded about the difference between the way that our parents raised us and the way that, you Um, and it’s just like, it’s wild because I think as millennials, right?

Like we, we have that lovey dovey side a little bit more [00:16:00] naturally, but it’s harder for us to be the hard ass, you know, whereas for the parent, for our parents, I think it was the opposite. You know, like, I think, I think they were more naturally hard asses because they had to be, um, and they had to find a foster that lovey dovey side.

What do you think about that? 

Nate Riggs: Yeah, I agree. Um, it just, you know, one thing I think you and I were talking like, even with my dad, there’s no doubt that, uh, in my mind that my dad didn’t really love me, but you know, I didn’t, he didn’t really say that all the time where like, I’m saying it to my kids constantly.

And I think that’s a, that’s a generational difference. So I’m, I, uh, I’ve worked hard to empathize and be like, Hey man, no, you know, there’s no hard feelings there. There’s no, you know, uh, bitterness and you can’t live in those States anyways, or else you’re never going to progress. You’re never going to do better.

Exactly. 

Mark: Yeah. You have to like be open and like you were saying attention detail, right? Because I imagine every single day is different from what you’re bringing and what your kids are bringing. So yeah, we’re going to dig into this more when we get to the side of the commercial break. Um, for those listening, hang on in there and we’ll see you on the other side.[00:17:00] 

Ad: Voice America is on LinkedIn. Connect with us today. 

Intro: Men’s Therapy Online is now accepting new members. Men’s Therapy Online offers a solution to the lack of outlets for emotional expression, positive role models, and access to meaningful milestone experiences. In our post COVID world, loneliness is at an all time high.

Men need consistent community. Our society is rapidly changing. Old models of masculinity are falling at the task of promoting emotional intelligence and meaningful connection. Men’s Therapy Online offers tools and experiences designed to help the men who are struggling to balance traditional male roles and emotional fluidity.

Whether you need to get back on your feet or take your life to the next level, Men’s Therapy Online has your back. [00:18:00] We help our members become a true 21st century man. A man who is not burdened by the rapid change of society, but who contributes to it honorably. If you’re interested in signing up and finding your band of brothers, go to menstherapy.

online to learn more. That’s menstherapy. online. Start your journey today.

Ad: It’s your world, motivate, change, succeed, voice America, empowerment. com.

Intro: You are listening to the men’s therapy podcast with Mark Azulay. To reach the show today, please call 1 888 346 9141 that’s 1 888 346 9141 or send an email to podcast at men’s therapy. online. Nor visit www dot men’s therapy podcast. com. [00:19:00] Now back to the men’s therapy podcast. 

Mark: Welcome back to the show. I’m your host, Mark.

As I said, I’m here with Nate Riggs. He’s a real estate broker, a family man, and a veteran. And we’re talking about modern fatherhood. You know, Nate, uh, we were talking a little bit during the break about this balance of wanting to be a provider and wanting to be present for your kids. I think that’s something that a lot of men and young fathers struggle with.

So I’m curious what that balance has been like for you. 

Nate Riggs: Yeah, it’s definitely something that if you’re, if you’re following any type of like men’s or dad’s page, you’re going to see posts about it and you’re going to see, uh, in the comments. And so for me, you know, I was in the, Navy and I did was in there for 10 years.

Um, and I, and I left and a big part of why I left was just to spend more time with my family. It was, you know, great. What I did, I had a good job, a good career going there. And, but, uh, you know, I couldn’t do any more eight month deployments, um, and be away from them. It’s just too much time to be away from them.

[00:20:00] So, I transitioned, which was tough because for 18 months I’ve worked, I had to reactivate my real estate license, had to start doing that, had to start using different tools to, um, shift everybody’s mind. Because, you know, if I came to a group of friends, it was, there’s Nate Riggs, the, you know, uh, rescue swimmer guy.

And then now I want them to think, Hey, there’s Nate Riggs. The real estate guy, cause I’m in sales and my life depends on it. So for 18 months, did both jobs. So that’s extremely time consuming. Then you’re out and now you’re solely working in a commission only, um, sales job, right? And so you’re only earning, you know, you’re earning money at that point.

That’s the only way you get paid. So you have to put in a lot of hard work. Um, so then the balance is like, yeah, you’re not going on any more eight month deployments, but. Are you staying at the office super later? Are you working weekend after weekend after weekend to grow your business? And how long do you tolerate that?

Do you say like, okay, well, this first year, yeah, I’m going to be home for dinner every night. So I’m not gone for eight months, but I’m probably going to be [00:21:00] working six, seven days, you know, a week, right. For the first year or something, or is it six months or is it just sporadic? I don’t know what the answer to that is.

You probably have to kind of feel it out yourself for me. Um, worked a lot of weekends, but now, you know, five years in, so three years full time, once I left the other job, I’m still like, okay, I don’t, I don’t have that, um, I don’t have business going on this weekend. No pressure. Cause it used to get kind of.

Anxiety over it as well, right? Feeling the need. And when you go from a job like where you have a lot of busy work or you’re there all the time and now you’re, I don’t, I don’t have to give myself busy, busy work. I don’t have any boss. I don’t have anybody. So sometimes I would catch myself like at the office, like maybe just like watching tv in the lounge or something.

I’m like, what am I doing? Like, I don’t have to wait till like five. I can just go home because I’m done for the day. If I get done it, I’m done. At two or 11, I guess that’s it, as long as I did everything. [00:22:00] So I think that’s big, but being careful that you don’t get addicted to the earning part, because you can start making so much money that you’re like, I want to make more and more.

And then that’s where. You know, you, you’re spending too much time away from your family and away from, you know, your kids and you’re missing out on those moments that you’ve worked so hard to create. 

Mark: Yeah. Tell me more about that. Right. Cause I think when I talk, I think about business ownership and commission based work that you’re talking about, like it’s, it can be so swingy, right?

Like you can have weeks where you make nothing and then you can have weeks where you just cash out months, months, right? Yeah. But yeah, but then there’s also time. Where it’s like, like I said, you can always do more, but it’s so hard to know if the more you’re doing is actually helping or if it’s just 

Nate Riggs: kind of running on a treadmill.

I think the biggest thing is like, don’t play keeping up with the Joneses. Don’t progress. Cause if maybe, maybe in your business, maybe someone’s running a business that’s really hot in the spring, but in the fall, like [00:23:00] that’s how real estate is this normality of seasonal normality is like, it’s a little slow in the fall.

So you might not have a transaction or whatever. So if you’re. Do it crushing it three, four, five transactions a month in the spring. Okay. Yeah. You can go out and get a brand new Escalade and have that big fat payment. But then when the fall rolls around, like, whoa, are you going to, and that’s if you’re just putting those commission checks in the bank.

So what we’ve done, uh, is opened up our own LLCs and everything. And then, so those commission checks, they don’t actually come to me. They go into the operating account and then I have a salary. So the idea is that you keep money in that pot. So if you have five closings one month, but the next month you have two, then three, then zero doesn’t matter.

Cause on the first of every month I’m getting paid the exact same thing. Now we can take bonuses at different points in the year or at the end of the year, when you’re talking to your CPA and you’re like, Hey man, how are we looking? We put aside this much for taxes. We did this. Okay. And then he figures your stuff out, go on vacation.

Go do something, give yourself that bonus. Now [00:24:00] you can take that bonus money and do something cash or reinvest it in personal real estate and grow that because that’s what you know, going back to that provider thing, our goal is to not just be in sales and living off the sales money, having You know, a good life because you do want to reward yourself, right?

Or else you’ll lose your mind too. Cause you’re like, I’m working so hard and I’m just, if I’m just reinvesting and saving, you’ll lose follow. You know, there’s plenty of different guys out there and different models to follow. I think the Dave Ramsey model is all about like, Hey, you need to invest and save, but enjoy life as well on a cash base.

Right. But, um, then, then you get into like, Rich dad, poor dad, or whatever. Robert Kiyosaki is more like work your sales job, invest it in real estate, then go buy whatever car you want and use the cashflow from your real estate to pay for it or whatever. So you can follow any of these different models, but the point is you’ve got to find a model that works for you and your family so that you’re able to have a quality life for your kids and [00:25:00] enjoy it.

I have a quality life for my kids. My wife drives an S class. And the kids, it gets dirtier than I would think. But so what we do, we bought a used Escalade or I’m pretty handy. So the first Escalade we bought was for like three grand. So I paid three grand cash. Didn’t run very good, but guess who was in the driveway till 2 AM rebuilding the motor me and going to work.

And I said, that was the, that was the price I paid to like, okay, I’m going to buy one with a shoddy motor. I’m going to fix it so that they can drive around in it. Whatever it’s there now, a few years later, we were able to, if that thing sits out at my dad’s like property now, it’s like a farm truck now, and now we have a newer one, but it’s still a 2016 model that we got in 2021, not a brand new one, right?

So you can do, you can have nice things comfortably at your level, you know, and that’s the level we’re at. So, 

Mark: yeah, you know, I’m curious about this, uh, passing the baton. thing, you know, and I’ve been talking with my partner about this too and about what our goals are. Um, we don’t have kids yet, but [00:26:00] we’re hoping to start trying in the next year or so.

This idea of being like, okay, one of our goals is I want to pay for my kid’s education. Right. And the idea of like, Oh shit, like adult money is a lot more serious than when I was just a single dude. And I didn’t have to worry about things like that or buying other real estate properties or dealing with medical emergencies or whatever it is.

So expensive. So expensive, like shit is like crazy expensive and it’s a different game. It’s a totally different game as an adult. I’m curious. Yeah. If you connect with that or what your goals are, um, like, like what’s the baton that you want to pass, 

Nate Riggs: you know? Yeah, that’s, that’s a good question. The baton I want to pass is.

So here’s, here’s where it came from. You know, we, when I grew up, we, we didn’t have a lot. We were eating off of the foam plates at the, uh, at the community center. So if anybody knows that life, and then by the time we were like in high school, we had like a pool in the backyard, had a camper, right? So like my parents worked pretty hard to figure out how to go from one to the other, but then.

I [00:27:00] still kind of was out on my own and then I was, I had my own house and stuff, but then I was looking in my backyard and I was like, I don’t have a pool. And, uh, and, and I was like, it’s been 15 years and I still don’t have one. Like how, and so that was where I first kind of like had that. You know, thought of like, Holy cow, I just kind of like got, you know, when I left my house, I kind of took a step back and that’s fine.

You have to earn yourself. But, but I didn’t. I want to figure out how my kids quality of life can be maintained even with them starting their own careers and starting their own thing. What I think personally, the best way to do that is your own business, whether it’s your real estate business or a restaurant or, you know, whatever.

I’m a big fan. Real estate’s my thing. So I’m going to talk about it. You know, my thing is if I’m purchasing properties and now we’re managing these properties, we have a sales team that we’re running that if I’m also out coaching and speaking, you know, you already like my oldest daughter, she’s nine years old.

[00:28:00] You know, I have no problem. Hey, we’re going to go look at this property. Hey, we’re going to go do this showing her at, at her age already. Like, Hey, here’s, here’s what I do. Here’s how we make money. And then showing her the money we make like into kids are a little more superficial naturally. So, and obviously, like, I remember when I was a kid, if I could, like, I was like, man, I would really want that.

New skateboard, but 60 for a skate deck. I can’t do it. So now when you see like, here’s a 14, 000 check, here’s a 9, 000 check. Here’s the third check we put in the bank and you’re like, okay, it’s a lot of money. Now there’s a whole nother lesson we get into, but, um, Being able to show them like, okay, you did this work, you earn this money.

And now you’re going to take this money and put it in a business. And then if it like teaching business, I, if it should be naturally attractive to them to be like, Hey, just like how I was like, no one had a nine to five. So the idea of having a job didn’t make sense to me. I feel like if I’m educating my kids in this world, they may be interested in picking it up and they may be smarter than, [00:29:00] you know, I, there’s a lot of guys I follow that are like real estate guys.

They have really strong YouTube channels, but what I realized is. They’re not the ones doing it. It’s just like they’re kids in their high teens or twenties that, you know, a new tech, so to the, to the older generation, they didn’t have an interest in that. They were just out doing the work. Now the other guy’s like the kids, like, Hey, we can also now.

We have this platform to share it in that also generates income. You know what I’m saying? So it’s not that I want them to pick up the exact same thing I do, but I would like them to be immersed in the world enough that I’m in that they have an interest in it. 

Mark: Yeah. I think that’s critical. You know, there’s a lot of stuff in men’s work where they say, you know, for our generation, millennial generation, we didn’t see what our parents did.

You know, the, you know, white collar jobs, they were at the office, they were doing stuff that as kids, we couldn’t really comprehend, you know, um, so I love the idea that you’re bringing your daughter to these showings and bringing her to the real estate and showing her how it all works. So I think it helps.

It helps like close some open [00:30:00] loops in her brain. Um, and similarly, right? Like I grew up and I, My parents are small business owners, so I kind of had this idea that not only was having a job like not efficient, it was also like a scam, right? This idea that like, like, you’re not going to get paid your full value by definition because, you know, someone has to get profit on it, right?

Right. Um, that’s where I grew up on. That definitely inspired me to be a business owner, right? The idea of having a job and like, or not having a job is okay, but having a boss, I think it’s like really, me. Tough for me to try to swallow. 

Nate Riggs: Yeah, me too. And mentioning the bit of, I mentioned the bit about depositing the checks.

And so like, that all sounds fun, but you also have to show like, Hey, we’re running this 1, 500 Google ad service. Hey, we’re running this 2, 000 print marketing. Hey, we had to order signs. Hey, somebody backed a U Haul into that house and we had to, you know, help fix that. Right. So like, you know, that’s, if you’re going to teach them one side of it, you got to kind of bring them into the whole side of it.

Right. So they’re kind of getting the big pictures and now she’s picked up. Yeah. On some other things too, where she started getting into like [00:31:00] beads and making little bracelets and with the world we live in, she’s like, Hey, look, I can, uh, sell these to my friends for like 3 for like 4. And so now that’s where I’m like, okay, we can do that, but rather than pick a price, let’s see how much did it cost us to get all these beads at the store?

How much did, and there are little lessons, but that’s where. My wife and I have to reflect to like, hold on, slow down. Is she eight years old? Is it just important that she understands she can make a bracelet and sell it? Is she old enough to comprehend the like cost of sale profit margin? Like, so do we just let it run or do we just, you know what I mean?

Not, and that’s the tough part about parenting, right? It’s our, it’s all, it all, every single one of us is parenting. It’s like, yeah, it’s my first time. Parent, you know what I mean? Like you, you, you, you, every time you parent, it’s the first time parenting and you only get one shot at it. So like, you have to just figure it out as you go.

Yeah, 

Mark: everyone’s a newbie, right? And it’s a lot of these like game time, like real time decisions where it’s like, you can [00:32:00] have a game plan going into it, but then you get this question in the moment. It’s like, oh, crap. How do we respond to this right now? Yeah, yeah, 

Nate Riggs: right, right, right. She’s, um, she’s really into like, she read these, like I survived books and one was like a world war two book.

She’s reads all books, which is cool. So, and that’s what I do. Like, you know, I quit college twice, but, uh, everything I’ve learned just kind of through, through books or who are people I want to influence, get influenced by, so pick up their story and read it. So she’s into it. And then now she’s asking these.

bigger questions on like the history of World War II and stuff. So you’re like, okay, how deep do we go? But, but none of, none of that stuff’s on TV. Like when I was a kid, we only had like 30 channels. And this is even in like the early nineties, like 30 channels. And if I got into Discovery Channel and I swear all it was, was like footage of like Vietnam and World War II and stuff.

That was like, I was just immersed in that. And so in my mind, I’m like, okay, how do I, you know, I, I do think, and we don’t have to [00:33:00] get into this, but when you watch like younger generations, you’re like, they don’t even know history. Some of them, it could, you could get that. You could infer that. Um, So I want to make sure we’re pouring that into our kids as well.

So what’s the appropriate age? And dude, it’s tough because you’re, as a grown up, you’re like, yeah, watch band of brothers, watch the Pacific or this stuff. You can learn about it in a fun, like, and then you’re like, is that a little gory for them? Like, you know, it’s 

Mark: like, how are you talking about the Holocaust?

If it’s like an eight year old, right. But it’s critical, right? I mean, that’s an important part of the story. So how do you, how do you frame that? Yeah. What are some other values you hope to pass on to your child? I’m hearing, you know, a love of history and a like reality, right? This idea of like, this is what the world really is.

Um, and I’m hearing entrepreneurship and business ownership. What are some other values that you and your wife are passing down? 

Nate Riggs: Yeah. So, um, do the, the empathy thing, I think is huge. I think that’s probably one of my, uh, better. Uh, traits and I don’t know if it’s a natural thing or a [00:34:00] gift or if it’s learned or whatever.

So I try to teach as much as possible just to, you know, if we’re talking, there’s just so much different people out there and we really don’t know. Um, I guess that’s, to me, that’s what empathy is really stepping outside of myself and looking at the situation through the eyes of like, what influences, what child influences did this person have?

What? What relationship hardships did they enter that maybe makes them a little bit harder? And, you know, like, even like cops, like, um, we were watching some body camp stuff. This is a good example. I think of how to explain this. Like, you know, I’ve been pulled over seven, eight, nine times. Okay. A lot of, a lot of traffic, but I hate all my licenses, safe driver.

Cause that was, that was my, there you go. Okay. But what I’m saying is. Cops could tend to be kind of grumpy and you’re like, man, you know, it wasn’t that big a deal. What I, you know, why was he so grumpy to me? And a lot of people experience that. But if you go watch some of this body cam stuff, some of the stuff they deal with on a daily basis.

So they kind of put [00:35:00] up this wall, it kind of become hardened, right? Calloused, if you will, desensitize all these kinds of mix of things. So yeah, they’re normal running. So the same thing can happen. Um, Gosh, I want to make sure that we’re doing that, you know, empathetic way of like, okay, step outside, understand what’s that person’s world that they’re living in.

And maybe that’s why they are the way that they are. So if you can understand them, then you can better communicate with them. So whether you’re building a relationship or whether it’s in a work industry, you’re gonna, you know, you’re gonna find a better time at life, I guess, if you do that. 

Mark: I think that’s critical.

And I think from another angle, it also helps you not take stuff personally, right? Because I think so many people can internalize a bad interaction and be like, Oh, what’s wrong with me? How did I mess up here? What’s going on? And sometimes it’s like that person’s just grumpy or that person has struggles or that person, you know, is mistrustful for some good reasons.

You know, it doesn’t have to be about us all the time. Yeah, so I love this [00:36:00] discussion. You know, I think it’s, it’s a great example of modern masculinity, right? Expanding beyond just the like, because what I’m not hearing from you is like, be tough, be hard, like, don’t be a pussy, right? Like, it’s not that stuff.

It’s like empathy. It’s leadership. It’s curiosity. You know, it’s these things that I think as men, we can really expand out and into, um, beyond just like the kind of Thing of like, don’t be a coward. Um, so I love that you’re kind of a living example of that. Uh, we’re going to move to our next commercial break when we come back, we’re going to hear more about if there’s someone that wants to get started on this path, if they want to get started building some of these values or they want to get started thinking about this stuff more critically, some advice you might have for them.

Okay, cool. So if you listen to the podcast, hang on in there and we’ll see you on the other side.

Ad: Follow VoiceAmerica at facebook.com/voiceamerica [00:37:00] for juicy updates from your favorite radio shows and podcasts. 

Intro: Men’s Therapy Online is now accepting new members. Men’s Therapy Online offers a solution to the lack of outlets for emotional expression, positive role models, and access to meaningful milestone experiences.

In our post COVID world, loneliness is at an all time high. Men need consistent community. Our society is rapidly changing. Old models of masculinity are falling at the task of promoting emotional intelligence and meaningful connection. Men’s Therapy Online offers tools and experiences designed to help the men who are struggling to balance traditional male roles and emotional fluidity.

Whether you need to get back on your feet, or take your life to the next level. Men’s Therapy Online has your back. We help our members become a true 21st century man. A man who is not burdened by the rapid change of society, but who contributes to it honorably. If you’re interested in signing [00:38:00] up and finding your band of brothers, go to menstherapy.

online to learn more. That’s menstherapy. online. Start your journey today.

It’s your world motivate 

Nate Riggs: change succeed voice america empowerment. com

Intro: You are listening to the men’s therapy podcast with mark azalea to reach the show today Please call 1 888 that’s 1 888 3 4 6 9141 or send an email to podcast at men’s therapy dot online or visit www. menstherapypodcast. com Now back to the men’s therapy podcast. 

Mark: Welcome back to the show. I’m here with Nate Riggs and during the break, Nate, we were talking about male mentorship and, you know, my company [00:39:00] meant therapy online.

That’s one of our foundations of kind of masculine development, right. Is both taking an audit of the male mentors you’ve had, you know, Dads, friends, uh, coaches, pastors, whatever, right? And then seeking out male mentors that either fill in those gaps or help to reinforce some of those messages that you learned.

So I’m curious, like, what would you say to guys that are looking for a male mentor? How can they find somebody that works 

Nate Riggs: for 

Mark: them? 

Nate Riggs: That’s good. So in, um, going back to the military years, so talking about in your workspace, whether whatever job that is or whatever community that is, I did seek out that like, I kind of touched on it earlier.

I realized I had these kinds of men in my life and then I realized they weren’t in my life anymore. And so I wanted more. So, uh, just paid attention to guys that were at a higher level than me, whether that was a boss or whether that was a guy, the next level up or something, and just kind of picking them and.

Uh, consciously observing, consciously paying attention to how they acted and maybe even approaching them. And I, and there was a couple of times, I think there was like [00:40:00] a pastor that I even, uh, discuss this where I was like, Hey, I had these guys in my life and they’re not there. I want to put you in one of those spots.

And, uh, so whether that means lunches or whatever, you know, you can figure that out on your own. The other is just living in this information where we have access to podcasts and books and YouTubes, and it’s very easy to, uh, you know, you follow in this guy and then you’re following this guy and you’re following this guy, and then you’re trying to put all these things, you know, apply all these, Things into your own life and it can wear you out.

And then you, and then you actually end up feeling like a failure because you’re not able to keep up the pace. But you know, I’ve talked to my brother about this a whole bunch and I’m like, forget five, seven different guys. Find one, just find one guy that fits your life. Maybe you guys are similar. And usually.

You know, we like people that are like us, right? We like, or we, or that we want to be like, I like that guy’s mannerisms. I like the way he’s calm, uh, this, that, the air, but I will touch base on that in a second. Uh, but anyway, so I find my one [00:41:00] guy and I just followed his model to be success. Now I may have to tailor it because if this is a guy who’s as, but you know, I, I follow one sales guy and he lives in New York city.

Um, so he’s up at like 4 a. m. Sending emails and stuff, right? He’s in New York city. I don’t have to do that in Jacksonville. I can wake up at six, seven, go to the gym, come back, eat breakfast with my family, be in the office at eight. And I can probably have the same level of success that I need, uh, for my life, uh, in this area, but, um, going back to trying to model people.

So I’m, I found out that I had the energy. I could change the energy in a room. Either positive or negative when I came in. So I try to be positive and I’m always like, I guess some people call it high strong, but really highs, really lows, a lot of energy. And I always used to kind of be envious of guys that were more.

Like reserved and calm and I would try to be like them. And then I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it because it wasn’t my personality. And then you’re, you’re beating yourself up. So you’ve got [00:42:00] to get your personality and there’s just because. I don’t need to change my energy level didn’t mean I didn’t need to be, uh, you know, more positive instead of negative.

Does that make sense? So it’s not necessarily changing your characteristic, just making sure you’re using your characteristic in the most beneficial way. 

Mark: Yeah, I think you really did a good job of charting the course of mentorship, right? This idea of first, you find someone that you respect and you want to emulate and you try to copy them.

I think that’s like the good first step. But then you got to be like, okay, like, Yeah. Is this who I am? Is this really what I can? Okay. What can I take from this? How can I apply it to who I am? And I think, you know, when I think of masculinity, a more evolved form, it’s this idea of being stable, right? Being dependable, being predictable, but being yourself, which might be, Hey, if you’re more reserved, you’re more reserved.

If you’re more sensitive, you’re more sensitive. If you’re, you know, more stoic, you’re more stoic, but really just being like, Hey, this is who I am and being that kind of like rock or that pillar for people to push up against and to relate to. [00:43:00] Um, I, I think where a lot of guys fall into a trap is trying to be that nice guy or that chameleon, right?

Where they try to be everything for everybody else and they don’t really develop a sense of self. They don’t really develop like who 

Nate Riggs: they are. That’s good. Um, so you said nice guy and that kind of triggered a memory. I’ve had people before be like, yeah, I’m very nice. And I was like, no. And so finding righteousness and being good, being, you know, true to that versus you don’t have to be like a nice guy.

That doesn’t mean you’re a jerk, but you can be a good guy. You know, um, I think that was like an early nineties model that was going on, kind of like feminizing men and making them nice guys. And it’s like, that’s not necessarily like I, that’s part of why I go to the gym, man. I just want to be the meanest guy on the street.

Like when I’m out trick or treating with my kids, when I’m taking them on a walk to the park, when I’m in freaking Walmart with them, I don’t, nobody better Steph to me, you know what I’m saying? [00:44:00] But that doesn’t mean that I’m out here like being aggressive and stuff. I just like, listen, people. They will see me.

They know, you know, 

Mark: well, I think of guys that, you know, practice martial arts and study of like, they’re never going to use it on anybody, but if the fucking, you know, someone comes knocking, right? Like they know what they can do. I’m curious for you, the definition, how you differentiate nice from good. I think it’s a really interesting topic.

Nate Riggs: That is good. Um, it’s the, and then, and then it is hard. Cause you’re like, okay, what is this? Um. You know, maybe like being truthful, being honest with something, giving appropriate feedback when it’s asked for, instead of just, Oh yeah, you did great out there, like, ah, you know, here’s how I would have done it, maybe, and lean on something, but don’t, don’t, uh, don’t complain or don’t, um, give someone negative feedback without reinforcing it with something positive or better or another option for them, you know, um, that’s kind of a [00:45:00] thing, I think.

Mark: Yeah. I mean, the way that I talk about it, um, you know, live it personally and do my business is this idea of having an honor code. That’s one of our other foundations of masculinity of men’s work is having an honor code and having something that especially when under fire you stick to. So it could be the idea of like sticking to honesty.

Like, yeah, sometimes honesty can be brutal, but if you believe in honesty, you got to be honest, right? Or being dependable. If that’s part of your honor code, or if you commit to something like you show up, you know, you make that shit happen no matter what. But this idea of really being an honorable man and being like, look, I have power.

I’m not going to admit that I’m powerless, feminized. Kind of like 90s male, like we have power. We’re powerful creatures, but like use our power for good, right? Like use our power to help other people and protect the people that are close to us. 

Nate Riggs: Yeah. Sometimes I think about that. Like you ever see those, like.

Those like shopping camera, like those things, like you see them at the store, you know, some, some ladies like purse gets grabbed or some old person gets mugged or something, and you’re like, man, [00:46:00] I wish somebody would try that from around like, right, but it doesn’t happen when I’m around and, and you as a man, other men might have this kind of feeling.

The reason is because you’re walking with a swagger. You’re walking, holding yourself doesn’t mean those creeps haven’t been in your presence. It means they saw you were close by and they made a decision not to do whatever they were going to. So you don’t understand, like, You have power in that sense to, to protect people, you know, um, uh, talking about carrying, um, you know, it’s all different stuff, so we don’t have to get super deep into it, but even like concealed carry, right.

Or like now you’re talking about weapons and stuff and you’re involved in this. And I’ve had conversations with people, um, and cause I’m all about it. I’ll just put it out there. It’s fine. I’m all about it. And then, and I’ve got guns or whatever and gun safety. I told you already. I was a weapons instructor.

So it’s part of my life. But, but my point is I had someone have a conversation one time and it was a guy and he was like, yeah, I, uh. He’s like, I just figure like, if something goes [00:47:00] down, like, I’ll just run fast enough. Okay, maybe, but like, what about the mom with her kids in the shopping cart? Yeah. What about that, like, person with diabetes or some healthcare that’s in that little cart thing, right?

Like, who’s, who’s running to protect them? And, you know, it’s like, it made me like, I, like, it, it was enough that I was like, I don’t like this person anymore because I’m like, bro, that’s the most selfish thought. Like if something goes down and I’m at the store, like you just look for me cause I’ll be running towards the fight instead of away from it.

Mark: Right. Yeah. It’s just a different value set. Right. The idea of like, like I said, it’s something for you about prime values being a protector. It’s being the guy that does show up and moves towards the chaos, right? It moves towards the danger instead of just trying to take care of his own ass, 

Nate Riggs: right? Yeah.

Yeah. And I, and you know what, I come from a family of that too, to touch on it. You know, my brother, uh, he grew up to, uh, be a counselor of sort as well. Um, and then my sister, you know, she’s like a, um, [00:48:00] ER nurse and, and stuff. And, and she’s got, You know, uh, one story she’s got a save where like she’s driving down the road in her, uh, van with her small children and some old lady whiskey throttle their like car into the pond, you know, without thinking my sister pulls over and it’s like diving in the pond.

Saves this lady from drowning in her car. And so we kind of like our, I guess our upbringing, all those characters in our story that I talked about have instilled, you know, it’s, it’s good to see, you know, my whole, both of my brother and sister were in that like life saving industry, but in different areas of it, which is cool.

Mark: Yeah. So here’s the, here’s the million dollar question, man. Like how do you instill that in your kids? Oh, see, 

Nate Riggs: that’s what’s hard, you know, I, I don’t know yet. I don’t have the answer. I’m struggling, you know, even to figure that out. Just, uh, my [00:49:00] dad used to say one thing to me, like, so, but, and maybe it’s a little bit of this.

Uh, just how you care. They’re watching, they’re watching you. Um, and they see you and my, you know, when I was, I never had a curfew. I never did any, you know, never had any of that. And, and, uh, I didn’t really have a lot of rules. And my dad was like, listen, by the time you’re 16, you’re going to do whatever you want when you’re not around me anyways.

So. I’m just going to live my life as an example. You choose to follow it or you don’t. That was a very like kind of passive way of doing it. And I liked that approach. Some, I just kind of want to be a little more on the, like, I don’t know. That’s good. It’s a dude. That’s the quest I’m on to figure that out.

The answer to that question. 

Mark: That’s a question, right? It’s like, how do you inspire that? Like heroics, right? That, that idea of, you know, both like. Being capable of doing it right and then also feeling kind of responsible in a way right the idea of like I want to be the [00:50:00] one that like stops the bad guy right or I want to be the one that like save that 

Nate Riggs: person.

Yeah yeah so just being being available send me. You know, I don’t know. Right. Yeah. How do you raise little superheroes, 

Mark: right? Like, yeah, that’s kind of the idea. Well, so we’re moving towards the close here before we wrap up. I’m curious. Do you have any advice that you’d give young guys out there that are either, um, just starting out in business or maybe just starting out in fatherhood or they’re about to make some big change in their life?

What would you recommend or tell them 

Nate Riggs: just to like, 

Mark: Okay. 

Nate Riggs: Speaking from experience, just slow down, just slow down. Time is going to go fast enough on its own. So just slow down, take it one day at a time. Just get a little bit better in that, that self reflecting, whether you, every conversation you have, or if it’s every day or if it’s weekly, whatever, just a little bit of like, how did I handle that?

What could I do better from my search and rescue days? [00:51:00] Um, and all my other mission days. When we would do training, we always debriefed and the debrief was good, bad, others. And that was like, what did we do? Good. What did we do bad? And what was others? Others, you know, that could be, yeah, you know, the weather affected us a certain way.

Well, it wasn’t good or bad. It just played a role in the decision making. And so you can do that. I, I carried that over. That’s one of the things I’m not like a pro vet. Bro, vet, you know, uh, those guys, I don’t wear the clothes and you wouldn’t probably know it if you looked at me, you know, it’s not a bumper stickers, all that stuff.

Um, and sorry, if there’s any bro, that’s listening, I need to be effective, but, uh, make you put it, uh, but anyway, so. You know, I, good, bad others is something, one of the things I carried over into real life. 

Mark: That’s a great tool that people could take away and use and using it for anything. I’d interview your workout of the day, right?

Like a conversation with your partner, your spouse, right? Like that stuff is really, really good. Um, I’ve also heard a call that the after action report, [00:52:00] the idea of like, just take a time and, and just like reflect on what happened. Um, with no judgment, which I think is critical, right? Like it’s not about winning or losing or about like, it is, I guess, but it’s not about like being a good or bad person.

It’s just like, let’s objectively look at this and see where we can improve. Um, so Nate, thanks for coming to the show. Enjoy the conversation on a real talk. Um, where can people find you online if they want to learn more about you or your company or what you’re 

Nate Riggs: doing out there in the world? Okay. So the easiest way we have a website because we have the social medias and the YouTubes and all that stuff, it all lives on the website, including the blogs and everything.

So it’s just a luxlivingfla. com L U X E livingfla. com, um, at the top of the page, there’s a social media dropdown. That gives you access to my Instagram, my Facebook and YouTube as well as the blog. So, and if you are interested in the business side of it, um, you can just fill out a contact card and that’s easy, but Nate Riggs, official the Instagram [00:53:00] that I’m, I’m in those messages all the time.

So if you’re looking to message me or whatever, that’s a quick way. But again, Lux living FLA. com. I’ll get you there. 

Mark: Great. Fantastic. And we’ll put that stuff in the show notes so people can see it. So Nate, thanks so much for joining us on the show. Um, if you’re listening and you enjoyed this, please give us five stars on Apple podcast, trying to build up that number, share with someone that might need to hear some of this needs some inspiration to be an everyday hero.

Um, thank you so much for supporting the show, tuning in and we’ll see you next week. Another episode of the men’s therapy podcast.

Intro: Thank you for joining your host, Mark Azulay on the men’s therapy podcast. Be sure to tune in again, live next Friday at 2 PM Eastern time and 11 AM Pacific time on the voice of America empowerment channel and anywhere podcasts are found to support the show, leave a review on your favorite podcast platform for more information or to apply to be a guest visit www.menstherapypodcast.com