A Place for the Modern Man w/ Magda Kay

A Place for the Modern Man w/ Magda Kay

January 24, 2024

As our society and culture are rapidly changing many men are left confused about their role. What seemed so simple – advance your career, make money, protect your family – no longer works. Men are being asked to be more emotional, more nurturing, and more flexible. Our guest, Magda Kay, is an intimacy expert and certified Tantra teacher that helps men evolve and expand their definition of masculinity.

Episode Transcript:

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[Music] Mark Azoulay is an industry leader in

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Psychotherapy and men’s mental health he’s helped countless guys get back on their feet deepen their relationships

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and Excel in their lives now he’s taken all that he has learned and is sharing it with you in each episode Mark will

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interview an expert in the field of masculinity and men’s work we’ll cover topics such as emotional intelligence

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masculine identity anger management Financial Health trauma recovery marriage and divorce ethics and

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spirituality tune in and become a better

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man welcome back to the show I’m your host Mark aay and I’m here with a special guest Magda K she is a intimacy

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expert and a certified Tantra teacher uh she helps men working with sexual dysfunction and also to understand women

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understand both their minds and their bodies so they can be in a better relationship Magda welcome to the show

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thank you so much for having me Mark yeah I’m so happy to have you here because and I will get to it later on

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but gender reconciliation is a big interest of mine right I think a lot of men and women are traumatized by the

1:11

opposite gender and I know a big part of your work is trying to not just heal that but but make those connections

1:17

Thrive you know both in a uh you know sexual mental Physical Realm so they can really take it to the next level yes it

1:24

is definitely a really big conversation for me as well I’ve seen this personally and you know what if you go to any of my

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social media and you see a lot of the comments are just so mean men attacking women women attacking men and then we

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wonder we cannot form good relationships like if we hate each other how can you

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meet a good partner so I think I think especially today this conversation is very needed we have we have a lot of

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healing to do big time Big Time yeah there’s a lot of misogyny and a lot of myth andry which is the male female

1:57

version of it right um and yeah a lot of just like misunderstanding right things you don’t understand I think people can

2:04

turn to hate and turn to confusion and start to lash out and Yeah social media is a real swamp for a lot of that stuff

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yes it’s definitely not helping and there’s so much like I’m not necessarily on Tik Tok these days as much I don’t

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think I’m I’m I’m the right generation I’m a bit older than that but um sometimes when you just see what’s there

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like literally videos just making fun of men being men and women being women it’s

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it’s it’s bullying it’s proper bullying and yet it’s allowed um and then you have people joining on this it’s it’s

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honestly horrible it’s just on a human level it’s horrible how we treat each other how we talk to each other this

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idea that we don’t need the other gender like men don’t need women and women don’t need men and well you can see

2:50

what’s happening these days so many people are single and we’re not happy we’re sick we have so much mental

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illnesses suicide depression and we have no relationships like of course it’s connected absolutely absolutely you know

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I know we’ll dive more into your work and kind of the Tantra principles but something I’ve really enjoyed from some

3:09

of the Tantra study I’ve done is the idea of it’s about the polarity right it’s about both the masculine and

3:15

feminine living in Harmony and accentuating each other rather than one being better than another right which I

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think often comes across as like you know which one is better it’s like no they’re just two sides of the same coin you know and it’s about finding a

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connection between the two absolutely and you know even for those who maybe don’t necessarily feel comfortable with

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the conversation about polarity and energies cuz I understand for some people it’s still an abstract concept

3:39

but here’s a different way to look at it and this is something I stole from this one very successful couple I just don’t

3:45

remember their names but um they have a lot of businesses very successful and

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they have an incredible relationship and they say that the key to their success was the principle that they call divide

3:58

and conquer so if if you think of a company if you run your own company or you work for someone you have people who

4:05

take care of a certain field and then they become Experts of that field it becomes a more efficient company so it’s

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the same with the relationship if you want to compete with your partner because we’re both going to be masculine or we’re both going to be feminine

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you’re missing on opportunities and so you know traditionally we’ve had these gender roles that allowed for that

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division of tasks now we’re trying to reframe the is but it still simply makes

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sense that we would complete each other in a relationship with different task and energies and traits instead of try

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to compete and do the same it just honestly logically doesn’t really make sense right yeah and it just creates

4:45

unnecessary conflict you know and I think one person can feel less than right or belittled or be doing something

4:51

or having a role that they don’t feel naturally inclined to do um and can build a lot of Shame and guilt but I

4:57

think we’re getting ahead of ourselves I I think we have a lot of way that we work in the way that we think I’m excited to meet you through this show um

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but first let’s start about you Magda so tell the audience a little bit about yourself and how you got into this work

5:09

you know I love this question because you know I talk about sex for a living

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so clearly this is not what I wanted to become when I was a little girl I don’t think anyone has a dream of becoming an

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intimacy coach as a kid um and definitely it wasn’t my path what

5:27

happened for me is so when I was 25 I had what I call my midlife crisis like

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my midlife crisis happened very early um I got some bad Health diagnosis where I

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was told that I most likely am developing cancer so I honestly in my

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mind I accepted I was going to die I was very unhappy I was overworking like my

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life had no depth and at that time I had never had a real relationship had never been in love and had never had an orgasm

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so so when this whole thing happened it kind of pushed me in a whole different direction and I ended up in

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asah um I don’t even know when this happened you guys know when sometimes things happen so fast and you’re just

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like whoa wait what just happened with my life like how did I end up here so suddenly I’m in

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Malaysia and I ended up in Asia that’s like 13 years ago and I was working for

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a company that was dealing with personal development and meditation Ander

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mind you when I landed in the company and I heard what they do and someone told me you have such a nice energy I

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immediately thought like what the [ __ ] is this place like what is this I was

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just like this is crazy these people are brainwashed so I was really against it

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but naturally I was going more into these topics because that was my work and you know I started discovering

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personal development and energy healing yoga meditation realizing it makes a lot

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of sense and so from there I was just a step away from Tantra but the reason why I went

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specifically into sacred sexuality and Sexual Healing was the story of not

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having orgasm so I was in a in a beautiful relationship when I was in Malaysia which I lost because I couldn’t

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have orgasm and he was he started taking it really personally and we just drifted

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apart and so I knew I had to do something about it and we’re talking about the times when no one talked about

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Tantra like these days you can go on Google and find so much that was not the case all those years ago so I really

7:35

wanted to learn and I heard from someone about this very controversial school on

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some Island in Asia and then I met someone from the school and so I went

7:46

with her and I ended up joining the school in Thailand and I stayed there for a couple of years in the stric

7:51

community where I learned most of the things I did some crazy crazy things you know organizing sex parties is just one

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of the many things that I did in that place um but it was really a life-changing experience and initially

8:05

it was just for myself and my own healing and while you know I was healing

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myself I realized that this is really like I know it may sound really cliche

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if I say this is my life calling but it really is perfectly aligned with who I

8:21

am for those of you a bit more spiritual my astrology my human design everything

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says that this is exactly what I should be doing and so here I am teaching this to as

8:32

many people as I can because I honestly believe we really really need this yeah

8:38

that’s that’s incredible that’s incredible that it sounds like you found a lot of alignment and just like coherency in your life you know I’m

8:45

curious and this may or not be your story cuz I’m just meeting you but I’m curious like was the resistance to it

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you know and I think of a lot of the female oppressive messages you know kind of taboo being um around sexuality

8:56

specifically female sexuality right the idea of a woman woman even wanting an orgasm or requesting an orgasm is is

9:02

wild right like there’s a lot of oppressive messages and I’m wondering if that was something you had to overcome

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or work through before really embracing this lifestyle so I think you know what I

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wasn’t even aware of this but the resistance was really internal um so for any man listening if

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you want to understand female sexuality a bit more for a woman to have an orgasm

9:26

especially vaginal orgasm she needs to let go and allow herself to feel and

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very many women if not most of them we carry a lot of trauma inside of the

9:39

vagina and so the reason why we’re not allowing ourselves to go deeper is

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because in order to feel an orgasm I have to feel everything that I have stored in my body and so what most women

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do they just kind of lock they tense the body some women don’t even feel that you’re inside it’s because it’s my way

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of protecting myself from from feeling the pain and so I’m not allowing myself

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to feel pleasure and so that was my case so I needed to go and I really did go through intense healing processes of

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screaming and crying for hours because that was really trauma healing so in my

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case I didn’t have a lot of this external um resistance also my family I

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have I think crazy parents like you know none of them ever felt bad about this

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path of this work so I oh I talked to them openly about it and then the

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community itself you know I was very lucky cuz I met some incredible men and

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really they are responsible for my openness I had incredible lovers who coached me and held me so I I honestly

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had a lot of good experience that was supporting this openness um yeah so so so for for for me if there

10:52

was any resistance it was really internal MH yeah a lot of like hell trauma right which I think a lot of a

10:59

lot of men have too right I mean a lot of men are very disassociated from our bodies because of that you know so you

11:04

talked about kind of the role of the masculine in your healing I’m curious can you say more about that like what were these men like or how did they help

11:10

you or what what role did they play in you Awakening okay I’m going to tell you two stories so the first one is um before I

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got into Tantra so I was with this one man a lover it was the first time we’re connecting on a deeper level and he went

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down on me and he didn’t want to have penetrative sex he just wanted that and so he’s he’s doing his thing and at some

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point I just feel like I need him to stop and I couldn’t understand why it

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made no sense but there was this big need in me to stop the

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experience and so I tell him that I want you to stop and he’s asking why and I

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said okay I know it sounds stupid but I feel that if you continue there’s going

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to be an evil witch that will fly out of my vagina and he

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laughed that was his reaction now I’m going to tell you a different story so this was my first tantric lover and

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we’re together and he is penetrating me and for the first time I’m actually feeling pleasure from penetration and he

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noticed that and he said oh you’re enjoying it and the moment he said it I

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shut down I just tensed again he felt it and he said what’s happening and I told

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him that when you said it it made me feel like a [ __ ] and in

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response he started coaching me so we’re literally having sex he he’s penetrating

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me and he’s coaching me through that and so he’s asking me okay so what’s the

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worst thing about it what if other people think you’re a slot and him just asking me these few questions and

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suddenly this whole block just disappeared it evaporated and we continued having beautiful experience

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now this was a man who knew what Sexual Healing is he understood sexual trauma

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whereas the first guy had zero awareness because of course everyone knows there’s going to be no evil witch but my

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subconscious wasn’t able to give me the full story so it gave me a metaphor now

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an experienced tantric lover would know that this is a metaphor it’s an illustration of something deeper and he

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would have guided me through that so for me that’s such an incredible illustration because the first guy he

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shut me down I I think I I didn’t connect with anyone for a while after

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that because I felt embarrassed and the other guy it was my first incredible sex

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where I actually had proper real pleasure so I I had a few lovers like

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that who really supported me through that yeah that’s a really great story it’s a really key distinction you know

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one of the things I talk about through through my company men’s therapy online is about the male value of Courage right

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and there’s like the courage version of like go and face the dragon and fight the war or whatever right but what you’re demonstrating is really like that

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emotional courage where that guy was leaning in and wasn’t afraid you know I would imagine that first man was afraid

14:05

when he says oh there’s a witch coming out of my vagina he was probably like I don’t know what to deal with this I’m just going to laugh and just you know shrug it off whereas the other guy’s

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like oh I’m curious I’m leaning in I want to know what’s going on with my partner here and sounds like it helped

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you open up more too right like you were able to to relax and surrender into that honestly yes it made a massive

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difference for me but I think you know what it’s it’s true you talk about courage um it’s defin strength yeah I

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think a lot of men are really scared of female emotions so if I start talking

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about some evil witch and I don’t really know what’s happening now he’s kind of oh gosh like he said I don’t know what

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this is I’m just going to like not be involved and when men do this a woman stops feeling safe but if you can hold

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her through this all we need all women need is for you to just be there just be there don’t be afraid we’re not a

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monster it’s like it’s like a rain it’s going to pass let it pass and then yeah and then we’re going

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to just shine and be bright and be happy and full of pleasure yeah right yeah just presence

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and like having that gaze right just like keeping eye contact Unlocking The Gaze um you know before we go into our

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first break you do work with men specifically um on some rectile dysfunction issues um and on you know

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understanding a woman I’m curious like what is a typical man that you work with if you could paint a picture of what his

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life is like to be fair I’ve worked a variety of men single in relationships

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monogamous polyamorous um but what I do see as a common theme is certain level

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of shame or guilt that they have around sexuality either this is around not

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feeling like they’re masculine enough for whatever reason um or that they haven’t had enough Partners um or

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because they are attracted to more than one woman so there’s some level of shame or guilt that is impacting their

15:57

performance as well because because there are just a very few cases when it is really really purely Medical in most

16:04

cases it’s an emotional energetical thing that impacts the whole body yeah I

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think there’s a lot of that right because men I don’t know I’m not a woman so I don’t know but I imagine men talk

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about sex more but we talk about it like Savages right like it’s B it’s based on

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porn it’s based on domination and conquering it’s based on a dick measuring contest right and it’s

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basically about who’s who is better so it’s like you you don’t share vulnerably because it’s about my pride and my

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masculinity so like oh yeah I I [ __ ] like this woman last night and then you’re like but did you

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really yeah exactly and it’s all showboating right it’s all facade so I think in some ways women don’t talk

16:46

about sex and sexuality and men do but we talk about it in such a dumb way that I think it gets we get brainwashed um

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and yeah there’s so many different ways to have sex there so different ways to connect with somebody deep deeply that I think men are really um blind to yes and

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I will add to what you said about talking about sex I honestly think this is one of the most important thing

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anyone needs to learn is to just have a normal neutral conversation about sex we

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don’t talk about it enough we like you said before we kind of giggle oh oh my God sex you know that’s the reaction or

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we start showing off because we’re so uncomfortable so it’s not talking is not the answer but also just kind of showing

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off is not the answer should be a neutral conversation right it is like the most Primal life affirming thing

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that we do right as as humans or as animals right it’s such a core part of our experience that it is um I guess

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disappointing is part of the word that it’s not talked about or that it’s talked about either in like a very surface level way or or very like

17:47

anatomical medical way doesn’t have the spiritual emotional component in there absolutely and then look it’s such a

17:54

funny Society we live in because on one hand everything is censored everything is taboo like all the rules you know

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it’s illegal to be naked in public and yet we have no problem over sexualizing

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everything and having pornography and just like oh goodness like what’s wrong with our society yeah it’s it it it’s

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very strange um so we’re going to go to our first commercial break when we come back we’re going to have that conversation so you and I are going to

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talk about sex and really get into all the different dimensions of it um and specifically I think some ways that men

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can benefit from tantric work um an intimacy work so if you’re listening hang on in there and we’ll see you on

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therapy podcast.com now back to the men’s therapy

20:36

podcast welcome back to the show I’m here with mag de Kay and we’re talking about sex um where we last left off we

20:42

were talking about shame um that I think men and women and our culture carries around um and sexual guilt sexual trauma

20:49

all the barriers that prevent people from deeply connecting in the sexual realm um so Magda take it away what are

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some of the things that you see out there um that that prevent people from connecting so I’m I’m going to show the

21:02

story here so you know we we have this beautiful movement really for the last

21:08

few years that give men Space to embrace your emotions embrace your fears and

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your weaknesses and I think that is so needed and so beautiful that you can

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learn to accept yourself everything about being a human but you know what a

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few years ago one of the men came up to me well we’re talking like okay like8 to 10

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years ago so many years ago but this one man came up to me and he said you know Magda I love that as a man I have space

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where I can share with other men that I’m jealous of this guy that I sometimes feel like I’m not big enough that maybe

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I don’t perform but you know what I sometimes look at a woman and all I want

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to do is pin her to the wall and [ __ ] her and I cannot say that and this is

21:55

actually when I started working with men cuz I realized that men don’t have space

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where they can allow their this kind of anger this Inner Warrior and the inner animal to come out so it’s safe now for

22:09

a man to say I’m scared but it’s not safe for a man to say that I want to kill an animal or whatever a fight like

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you know this this kind of inner anger inner fire and I honestly feel that for

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any man to really balance their sexuality to have the performance that

22:29

they want really lies in embracing that aspect and honestly this is also what women want we want to see that energy in

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you we don’t want to be the victim of that we don’t want you to attack us but we want to see that you are aware of

22:43

this energy and that you can handle it so honestly I feel like we’re lacking

22:48

this energy in the society and I honestly encourage all men to try to find it inside of

22:55

them yeah I think that’s really well said I mean I have a similar thing I talked to my guys is like fight [ __ ]

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eat right like it’s very very Primal and Men especially human males right are the

23:07

apex predator of planet Earth right like we have dominated and controlled every single other species on this planet and

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I think a lot of guys yeah like you said either they over Embrace that and end up being being abusers or bullies but even

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then that they’re often not that secure underneath it right or they’re afraid of it and and a lot of the younger men that

23:26

I work with you know millennials gen Z like they are really afraid I I I think

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they’ve gotten a lot of negative messages that this hunter killer Predator aspect is bad and there are

23:38

certainly times when it is bad right obviously you don’t want to rape people or you don’t want to hurt people um but like you said women are attracted to

23:44

that on some level right as long as it is consensual and safe and has after care right has all the other components

23:50

that can help the woman and the man deescalate from that intensity um but

23:55

yeah I think a lot of guys are like they’re going in the Direction they’re depolarizing um and I think they’re not

24:01

getting laid because of it you know they’re not getting any relationships because of it yes and and you know I

24:06

always say that from the tantric perspective the energy behind that that intensity that’s your fire now look at

24:14

the society we have eliminated fire we don’t cook with fire we don’t use fire

24:19

to warm our houses uh you’re not even allowed to have a fire outside you need special permits now why why did this

24:27

happen because fire when it’s uncontrolled it destroys and it kills so

24:32

what did we do let’s just prohibit everyone from using fire ever again

24:37

instead of teaching people how to manage fire and so when you look at men these

24:43

days I I think for a lot of you you probably feel this incredible inner struggle because you feel this energy

24:49

it’s part of you but you were never given any tools to work with that and in

24:54

fact I’ll say you know I’m I’m from the 80s I was born in the ‘ 80s I don’t know what generation I am I used to think I’m

24:59

I’m a millennial apparently I’m not I totally don’t follow these names but my generation I think we still had some

25:07

access to that but the generations after me they haven’t even seen that energy

25:12

like like they don’t even know what it is they have no point of reference so I

25:18

think I think it’s really difficult for them really difficult because they don’t know what this energy is however look at

25:24

the popularity of UFC well this is exactly what we’re talking about because deep inside so

25:31

many men have this desire to see what this part inside of them can do right

25:38

and this is again it’s not like you said it’s not about raping and destroying and kening but I think a lot of men are

25:43

curious about this energy and there are certain Outlets where you can play with this and fighting like you know like

25:49

martial arts is one of them and hey sex is also one of those places where you can play with that energy and by the way

25:56

I loved what you said just make sure that it’s consensual before care after

26:01

care guys after care is just as important as foreplay super important but yes then

26:07

you can play all of these fantasies out yeah and I think like so not going

26:13

too much into my story but part of part of my sexual Journey was exactly that was having a lot of quite frankly anger

26:20

and rage towards women right parts of that because of my upbringing and then being in tantric spaces being in King

26:26

spaces right where I could really not just express it which was huge for me but have women love it have women

26:33

actually like enjoy it and be turned on was incredibly healing and I think a lot of men need that experience where it’s

26:39

being celebrated rather than being something that women are afraid of because I think many of us including

26:45

myself we were told that you know don’t be a creeper don’t be a predator right don’t even initiate don’t even ask a

26:51

woman out on a date you know like a lot of men are really shut down around this initiatory like your your met for for

26:57

fire like a spark Ember energy right of like starting something like I I think the masculine is very initiatory um and

27:04

a lot of men struggle to initiate anything and it’s it’s killing us and look I will say on behalf of women I’m

27:11

like women what the heck are you doing um for me this this went really way too

27:18

far way too far um look like be a human being just like a normal decent human if

27:24

a guy approaches you and you don’t want to talk just say look thank you you I’m not interested you don’t have to be a

27:30

[ __ ] you know it’s like like I have asked men out so I would say to every

27:36

woman like just ask a guy out and see what it’s like to be on the other end so I do want to say to Old the men like I

27:42

am sorry for any really negative experiences you’ve had and unfortunately

27:47

you know there are bad women like there are women that you should stay away you know and and honestly like you said I

27:54

think tantric environments tantric festivals are a great place for a man to experiment to open up and just be

28:01

received you know because even if you do give the creepy Vibes you’re going to receive a beautiful feedback and good

28:07

guidance instead of just be attacked and blamed and hated um yeah absolutely so I

28:13

love that you had this experience yeah yeah I think something that men need right I think you know sexual is a big

28:19

one you mentioned like the physical right doing martial arts or doing you know intense workout or sports right I think men need to be able to embrace

28:25

this because you it’s say it’s like it’s like gun control right like you want to teach people how to use weapons

28:31

not just ban them because when they do find a weapon they’re going to kill people right but if they know how to use that fire if they know how to use that

28:37

that sexuality then they’re going to be able to skillfully use it yes and and look guys something you also have to

28:43

understand maybe at first when you meet a woman and you’re in the safe energy like you’re not showing that anger and

28:49

that Warrior everything is fine and she feels happy that you’re not initiating

28:54

too much yeah that may be good at the beginning but if you don’t bring that energy up your sexual desire is going to

29:01

drop and pretty fast like to be fair maybe after two years you may end up in

29:08

a situation where you’re just not having sex because she doesn’t want it because a woman needs and this is where it gets

29:14

a bit tricky I get it but we need enough safety to open up to you but we need enough danger to be sexually attracted

29:21

so you have to be bringing a bit of this intense energy and and tease her and

29:27

challenge her like she needs that that builds up the polarity that you mentioned before as well yeah can you

29:33

can you say more about that because that’s a very common issue right like a relationship that has become nonsexual

29:40

whether it be two years or many people after having children you know they’re not able to rekindle that spark what

29:45

would you how would you work with somebody that’s in that situation so I actually work with a lot of couples

29:51

exactly in that situation so I always say this so in most cases maybe let let me

29:58

add this in most cases it’s a woman who doesn’t want to have sex and a man who misses it I had just a few cases when it

30:04

was the other way around but let me speak about that because I think this is more more common and you do approach these situations differently so if a

30:12

woman doesn’t want to have sex it’s because she’s not getting the sex that she wants so at the beginning where

30:19

you’re in a relationship and you have all of these hormones you know rushing

30:24

through your body you’re in the honeymoon say you don’t need much you guys are having a lot of sex but once

30:31

the hormones balance themselves and you don’t have the same novelty now the

30:36

truth comes out and the truth in most cases is that sex wasn’t actually really that good that it wasn’t really giving

30:43

her what she truly wanted and now because there’s no novelty and excitement she just doesn’t want to do

30:49

it so if you think of it she Compares having sex to anything else she could be doing and she basically decides that

30:56

anything else is more important and gives her more benefit than having sex with you just notice how much she must

31:03

not enjoy it so I always tell couples that when it comes to sex a woman’s satisfaction is the number

31:10

one priority not a men’s because if a woman is sexually satisfied you as a man

31:19

you will naturally feel it and it will impact your satisfaction it will increase it but the other way around

31:25

doesn’t work so if a man is sexually satisfied it does not translate to a

31:30

woman’s experience in fact it may have the negative effect so she may get even more angry and frustrated that oh you’re

31:36

getting what you need and I’m not which is a common theme that happens in relationships after being together for a

31:43

few years women feel like they don’t get to get anything they keep giving giving

31:48

giving and they don’t get enough in return so sex starts feeling like that as well so you have to focus on a woman

31:56

she has to be having the sex she wants first make sure she is satisfied which

32:01

will naturally bring her libido back then you’ll be having all the sex you

32:07

want but if you push her if you don’t give enough foreplay which is a big big

32:12

thing for man and I always say guys oral sex is not foreplay that’s already sex

32:19

foreplay for a woman starts way before that so exactly it’s building the

32:26

tension throughout the day it’s touching her throughout the day like you have to understand for for you guys you can be

32:32

doing one thing and out of nowhere like your brain switches from work or whatever else you were doing and now

32:37

you’re in a sex mode and you’re ready to go a a woman’s brain and body doesn’t work like that she needs to be be

32:44

thinking about sex for at least 30 minutes before to be in the mood but

32:49

ideally she should be thinking about sex nonstop then you can have your quickies

32:55

so the question is are you doing do enough as a partner for her to think about sex nonstop do you remind her that

33:02

you guys are lovers so that may mean sending her like naked photos sending

33:08

her um like some I don’t know watching erotica together or sending her like pieces of some erotic movie uh on her

33:15

phone to watch um sending her a message something like oh I cannot wait to be home and take your clothes off and just

33:22

[ __ ] you on the sofa something like that keep telling her that she’s beautiful keep giving her compliments all the time

33:29

keep giving her gifts depending on their love on her love language like see what she needs the most but like just be

33:35

there keep touching her keep keep kissing her in in in ways that doesn’t lead to sex like you have to be

33:42

incorporating these little things throughout the day so that sex is always

33:48

on her mind that is foreplay so the more you do that the more you listen to what

33:53

she needs and the more you give it trust me her Libo will not come back but trying to like push her to have sex in

34:00

this situation is only going to work against you yeah it makes me think of um

34:06

a phrase I a lot with my guys is for men you want to pick the weeds and for women you want to water the flowers right so

34:14

like I think as men we grow by like removing obstacles and being like okay kill the thing that’s in the way whereas

34:20

women is completely different and it’s hard I think for some men to understand that women need a lot of nurturance and

34:26

need a lot of support and a lot of validation because as men were programmed almost completely the

34:31

opposite right like a lot of men struggle taking in compliments and taking in validation um so it’sa of like if you keep watering that plant

34:37

throughout the day then by the time the night rolls around it’s going to be blossomed and ready for you right she’s going to be in that mood yes but like

34:44

please guys don’t count if if sex was not on her mind throughout the whole day and then you want to have sex in the

34:50

evening good luck that’s not gonna happen or it’s gonna be really bad sex for her absolutely yeah

34:57

I was going to talk about male sexual satisfaction it might bleed over into our next segment but when I talk with a lot of my guys they how do I say this I

35:06

think men there’s a lot more sexual satisfaction that you can be having because I think a lot of men don’t get a

35:12

lot of pleasure out of sex either for a lot of us it can feel like a performance it can feel like a test right of like do

35:18

we make our woman an orgasm or not right I think for a lot of men like if we especially if we have premature

35:23

ejaculation rectile dysfunction the orgasm itself doesn’t even really feel that it’s like okay good it’s a release

35:28

I’m no longer grumpy or horny or whatever um but I think a lot of men don’t have very big sexual bandwidth do

35:35

you agree with that I I agree I agree with this so honestly uh what our society knows about

35:42

sex it’s no more than 30% of what sexuality like human sexuality really is

35:48

and most people like their knowledge is about 10% Like even our sexologists don’t have full information so I think

35:56

we have really done a lot of discredit to to yeah just we we just do not respect what

36:02

male sexuality can be like you as a man you can have multiple full body energy

36:09

orgasm you can have like experiences of Enlightenment during sex you can

36:14

experience Unconditional Love in Your Heart Like That is what sexuality is so

36:20

I fully agree with you a lot of men focus on performance and it becomes a task that’s not good I would also

36:27

recommend try to separate like separate sex from anything you do to release

36:33

stress it shouldn’t be a stress release activity maybe once a month fine or like

36:38

twice a month but like if if that’s your intention for having sex then what are

36:44

you expecting yeah that’s a really good point that’s a really good point I never thought of it that way because yeah I

36:49

think a lot of men see sex maybe even more so masturbation right as like stress relief like just get it done get

36:56

it out out right and go back to my job or go back to my life rather than I think what you’re talking about is a

37:01

really connective expression of love yes so instead of empting yourself like you even said before um you know taking out

37:08

the weeds instead of empting yourself using sex what if it was to fill yourself up with love and energy and

37:15

connection and intimacy then you can have a deeper experience yeah well we’re

37:21

going to move to our next commercial break when we come back I want to hear from you some activities or practices

37:26

that men specifically could do either on their own or with a partner or even in a group they can if they if they’re

37:32

interested they want to start walking down this path so thanks so much for tuning in and we’ll see you on the other side of the

37:37

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therapy podcast.com now back to the men’s therapy

39:39

podcast welcome back to the show I’m here with mik Decay and we’re talking about male sexuality um so hopefully the

39:45

conversation before has Peak your interest and you want to go a little bit deeper um you know double on Tandra there Magda where could a man start if

39:53

he wants to explore his sexuality or be a better partner what are some

39:59

easy things that they could do right away so I want to start by saying that

40:04

guys sex like anything else is a skill which means we can learn new things we

40:10

can practice we can suck at them at the beginning and then get better so there is so much you guys can try play and

40:17

experiment when it comes to sexuality I would say the practice that

40:22

gives the best results is to slow down which is probably the opposite of what

40:28

you want to do because normally when the orgasm starts coming the whole body starts tensing and you want to tense it

40:35

you tense it and you hold your breath because you want to increase the sensations so play with

40:42

relaxations um in this moment so relaxation means trying to relax your muscles instead of tensing them and

40:49

trying to relax the breath so instead of holding it breathe and breathe through

40:54

your mouth now you’ll see that at the beginning it’s super difficult to do it

41:00

because your whole body is like no no no no no no we’re going for that orgasm what are you doing so you can try it for

41:08

like five seconds or 10 seconds but just play with this a little bit and if you find it really difficult then try

41:14

incorporating relaxation a bit earlier on so not when you’re like fully fully aroused and just ready to come but kind

41:22

of maybe halfway through but what you’ll see that happens is one you actually can

41:28

last longer so for anyone who has any issues with keeping the erection or a premature ejaculation like

41:36

you’ll see you have more control to last longer which is what men very often want

41:41

so you’re going to have this benefit uh secondly it’s going to increase your Sensations and increase your orgas make

41:48

the sensations going to be more powerful but the third one is also it allows you to actually feel yourself so for most

41:56

most men if we you know like we talked before before the break sex can be just a way to release the stress so when you

42:03

do that you’re like this speeding train you know I always give this metaphor actually let let me share it here when

42:10

you’re on the train it goes really fast if you try to look through the windows you’re not really going to see anything because everything is blurry so when

42:17

you’re in that energy during sex you are unable to feel your partner because her

42:23

emotions and where she is is like anything you will see through the Windows of this speeding train and

42:29

you’re also unable to feel yourself so if you want to deepen the relationship with yourself and your partner slowing

42:36

down occasionally during sex is going to be amazing so honestly play with that

42:42

you can do this as well when you masturbate so you don’t need a partner but just learning hey I’m going to slow

42:48

down now like you’re in control that’s another thing you actually you’re increasing your own Mastery over your

42:54

sexual energy that’s like the ultimate level of Mastery for a man so massive massive benefits just from that so relax

43:02

the muscles um and breathe deeply through your mouth I would say honestly this is

43:07

the best thing that any man can play with I think those are great those are like very technical things that they can

43:13

start doing immediately um something that I recommend for my guys I’m curious your thought on this is if their inner

43:18

relationship is to schedule a naked day so scheduling like you know 2 hours 4

43:24

hours in a morning on a Sunday and just being naked with your partner so being naked with her or him um you

43:31

know in the bedroom no phones right bring cards bring food bring board games whatever it is poems and just practice

43:38

being in that intimate space right if sex happens it happens if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen if it happens

43:43

multiple times it happens but when I think of guys especially guys in long-term relationships like we don’t

43:49

see our partners naked that much and they don’t see us naked that much it’s only at night for you know 7 minutes or

43:54

whatever it is right the lights are on yeah yeah right it’s like you don’t get a lot of that and I think a lot of men

44:02

can get over stimulated and either you know come too fast or try to rush to the end um so I think like hanging out in

44:09

sexual space or in Intimate space can be really helpful and really helpful for for the woman right because she has a

44:15

chance to really have that foreplay to really get a chance to open up to really get a chance to negotiate and not feel

44:21

rushed or not feel like there’s um any pressure to perform so I got to be hon with you I have never heard of this idea

44:28

and I absolutely love it and I’m saying this here publicly I’m going to steal it

44:33

take it take it so what I normally uh give my clients is what I call a king

44:39

and a queen’s night which can be one evening or a full day do it as you want but there is a dedicated time every week

44:46

um which is for one of the partners so most issues that happen over time is

44:53

that well both Partners feel like oh I I don’t get what I need like why would I give to my partner if they don’t care

44:59

about me so then you have this dedicated time when it’s all about you but you

45:04

request what you want so if it’s a queen’s night I’m going to tell my partner what I want him to do give me a

45:10

massage specifically what I want if I want to have sex I’ll tell you what and how so I am responsible for getting what

45:18

I want and so when you start doing this over you know an extended time every

45:24

person once a week gets everything they want and this allows both Partners to

45:29

feel that okay I’m taken care of so now I can give but I feel like I’m going to add the naked part to this I love it I

45:36

love this idea well I like that idea too right because I I think it like you’re saying it helps train people on

45:43

conversations around not just sex but also sensuality right of like what they want do they want the lights dim or they

45:49

want them bright do they want it to be warmer or colder do they want a specific um be wrapped up in something very furry

45:55

or something very soft or whatever right I think it starts to let people practice

46:01

uh conversations around it you know and I think a lot of like again this is probably a stereotype you let me know if

46:07

I’m on something I think women often don’t get a chance to know what they want because they’re not taught or

46:12

trained or encouraged to talk about it and they’re kind of told what they want you know um whereas men I think what we

46:18

want like we think we know what we want but we don’t actually want that right we want like oh I want a threesome or I want like the girl with the big tits and

46:25

the you know bubbly ass right like like we’re kind of like indoctrinated to ask for the same kind of boring [ __ ] where

46:32

like we might actually just want to be like wrapped in fur and get a little you know foot massage you know um so what

46:38

I’m curious yeah what are you about that I fully agree I fully agree women really

46:44

struggle and one of the best ways for a man to support her through it is don’t

46:50

answer the question for her like ask her and by the way okay guys this is big

46:56

Small Change massive difference do not ask your woman a yes no questions when

47:02

it comes to sex ask her open questions don’t ever ask her did you come do you

47:08

like it ask her what did you like the most how do you like it because if it’s a yes no question she’s going to say

47:14

what you want her to say like like we’re very mindful of not hurting your ego and we’re scared to say what we truly think

47:21

so a yes no question feels way too direct open questions

47:26

and when you ask the open question like what do you like what do you want to experience let her answer and if she is

47:33

not coming up with anything that’s it so like for example what happens for the Queen’s Knights and I have it with so

47:39

many clients a woman just like I don’t know what I want I’m like well you’re going to get what you ask for if you’re

47:45

like uh okay I want you to like massage my feet then that’s all you’re getting

47:51

this forces the woman to start owning her desires and asking for that and

47:56

there’s no way around it it’s a bit like guys it’s a bit like tough love here if you if you keep trying to help her she

48:03

will never have to own it so don’t do it for her okay it’s not your job it’s hers

48:10

yeah absolutely and I think to kind of piggyback off of that and you mentioned this earlier in the episode it means

48:15

guys like being okay with your woman’s emotions right and being okay with indecision and being okay with what I

48:22

think a man can often perceive as hypocrisy but for a woman it’s it’s fluidity and its emotions developing

48:27

right she might feel very differently minute to minute moment to moment week to week and it doesn’t mean that she’s like lying right it just means that

48:35

things are changing you know and and I think as men it can be difficult for us because we like we like the spreadsheet

48:40

we like you know the stats you know like we want to have it be like consistent and stable and repetitive and like

48:47

predictable and I think those are masculine qualities kind of being that rock but you can’t expect a female or a

48:53

feminine person to have masculine qualities right it’s much more like a glass of water right or or a more

48:59

organic process than that yes and look guys if you want like some sort of like an Excel file the best thing you can do

49:07

is track recycle like she’s going to be one type of a woman when she’s bleeding

49:12

a different type of a woman until ovulation then the third woman when she ovulates and the fourth woman when she’s

49:19

going down towards the bleeding just honestly like most women use different like uh tracking ABS these days just

49:25

like connect to it and and and see it so if you want some predictability you can get it from there because her cycle will

49:32

be not fully but will be a lot um like it will be repeating itself so you can

49:38

see some patterns which can give you a bit of more understanding of how to treat her

49:44

because yes yes we can change so much like the same thing that feels amazing today can piss me off in three days and

49:50

I’m sorry but yes this is how Nature Made Us that’s that’s how it is and like piss you off like it can be like the

49:57

100% wrong option and like I think it’s worth laughing about right cuz I think

50:02

as men it’s like don’t take that personally right like like your job isn’t to solve your woman your job is to

50:08

understand and know and see her but I think as men we want to solve and we want to fix and we want to just like we

50:14

we we want to apply like a mechanical process to an organic being and I think a lot of disconnection happens there yes

50:22

and honestly like you know what okay I I so bad anytime I tell this to man I tell

50:27

them please do not say that I told you that and now I’m saying it publicly here but women often have the need to talk so

50:34

for example when I was younger and I was still living with my brother I told him like listen just sit there and let me

50:41

talk I don’t even really need you to properly listen to me because I understand I I’m gonna say so many

50:48

things and it’s going to be hard to follow I don’t even need you to properly listen or ask me questions but just sit

50:53

and be there that’s fine so sometimes just do that for your woman just let her talk and just be there like you know to

51:01

the best of your capacity be present that’s it but let her talk don’t stop her don’t ask her like questions oh but

51:07

this is what you could do let her be yeah I think that’s a big one right like if you can make eye contact and that’s

51:13

basically all you need to do right it’s just like be present and I think try to you know if you if you work

51:19

energetically try to like exude safety right try to like exude safety and confidence and just be like because what

51:25

I what I’ve learned right I think what the woman is doing is it’s not that they want you to fix their problems it’s I

51:30

think you mentioned Magda it’s like can you hold me right can you tolerate this am I lovable even though I’m in my own

51:38

chaos or my own emotions like do you still love me are we still connected are you still here for me no matter what

51:44

like that is the test it’s not like can you fix this problem at my work right

51:50

it’s like can you love me even though I’m having problems at my work yes and you know um um one thing I would also

51:56

say for men it’s this is really your biggest masculine gift and I understand that the society has changed a lot and

52:03

Men often feel a bit lost what is my contribution as a man if I don’t need to

52:08

provide for her if she can make her own money that is your contribution your presence because that that is still what

52:14

we need this is still something we don’t Outsource in any other way you as a man

52:20

give me your full presence that’s your gift don’t worry if I don’t need your money because it’s not about money it’s

52:27

always been about your presence yeah which I think it’s really sweet right I mean like I don’t think there’s many men

52:33

that just want to be loved for their money I think ultimately we do want to be loved for ourselves and and what we bring you know we’re nearing the end of

52:40

this episode and I think one thing I want to leave our listeners with which I’m hearing you Echo Magda is like I

52:45

think men need women like really truly need them and women truly really need men and if we can just understand that

52:53

and come from that with a place of respect not desperation we can really do a lot of healing you know I think each

52:59

gender really needs the other one because we do have limitations and one’s not better than another we just both

53:04

compliment each other we do and I think it’s such a beautiful design if you think about this it’s just such a

53:10

beautiful design I don’t know why we’re fighting against it I just wish more people would see the beauty and

53:17

perfection in this design yeah and see how we can become greater than some of our parts right by being in unity um

53:23

absolutely so as wrapping up here Magda where can people find you online if they want to work with you or if they want to

53:29

see some of your content sure so I would love to see you guys either on my

53:34

Instagram or my YouTube channel this is where I am active the most and especially on YouTube I think this is

53:41

the place where I put the most content for men’s I think you guys are going to really enjoy it so you can just search

53:46

for Magda K it’s KY uh same for Instagram uh magd official on Instagram

53:53

actually and then yeah just uh honestly just Google magd and you’re going to get my website all the social media uh so

54:00

you can see what’s there I do have a couple of courses specifically for men but you can just easily see what’s there

54:05

if anything uh is for you feel free to contact me via any social media let me

54:10

know you guys were watching this episode and that’s how you learn about me ask any questions um yeah thank you so much

54:17

for having me I I feel very honored that as a woman I get to speak to men and share my perspective and hopefully show

54:25

man that here you have a woman who is telling you that you are needed and

54:30

you’re important and that we love you and we miss you and we want you to be present in our lives the spite of what

54:37

some women may have told you totally I I love that and I think men need to hear that I need to hear that from you so

54:44

yeah guys go check out her YouTube go check out her Instagram all that stuff is going to be in the show notes you can go ahead and click on it um wherever

54:50

you’re listening and yeah if you’re enjoying the show please give us a festar review on either Spotify or apple

54:56

and send it to somebody who you think you might need to hear this message because I think Magda you have a very important message that a lot of guys

55:01

need to hear I need to really just take to heart so thank you so much for being on the show thank you and thank you for

55:08

tuning in to another episode of the men’s therapy podcast we will see you again next [Music]

55:16

week thank you for joining your host mark aile on the men’s therapy podcast

55:21

be sure to tune in again live next Wednesday at 2: p.m. eastern time and 11:00 a.m. Pacific Time on The Voice

55:27

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