Nonmonogamy Doesn’t Fix Avoidance: It Exposes It
Nonmonogamy is not inherently liberating or destructive. It amplifies whatever is already there. If a man is moving toward honesty, growth, and intentional connection, open structures can deepen self-awareness and intimacy. If he is moving away from boredom, resentment, insecurity, or fear of vulnerability, those patterns will multiply alongside the partners. The critical question is not “Is nonmonogamy right?” but “What am I using it for?”
Emotional Skill Is the Real Requirement: Not Sexual Permission
Ethical nonmonogamy demands the very capacities many men were never taught: emotional literacy, communication without defensiveness, sitting with jealousy, and taking responsibility for impact. Research shows that relationship satisfaction in consensually nonmonogamous partnerships is tied more to trust and explicit communication than exclusivity. The structure is secondary. Emotional competence is primary.
Masculinity and Identity Get Tested in Open Structures
Nonmonogamy often confronts men with deeper identity questions about adequacy, desirability, aging, and worth. Cultural conditioning grants sexual freedom while restricting emotional permission, creating an imbalance that can destabilize relationships. The real work is not managing multiple partners. It is renegotiating self-worth so it is not dependent on conquest, comparison, or validation.
In my office, more and more men are asking questions that would have felt taboo, or even unthinkable, a generation ago.
Questions like:
Is monogamy really right for me?
Why do I feel trapped in a relationship I still care about?
Can I want commitment and freedom at the same time?
Often these questions arrive quietly, often brining in shame or confusion, after years of doing what a man felt he was “supposed” to do. When questions around relationships, sex, attraction, and desire are broached, I often hear clients express frustration at what they feel they “should” know by now. Rather than looking at perceived ideas of what we ought to know (or as a previous supervisor of mine put it “should-ing all over ourselves”), what would it be like to simply be curious about our desire rather than judge it outright?
Nonmonogamy, and the general conversation about open relationships, has largely become much less stigmatized and hidden. Cultural conversations about open relationships, polyamory, and relationship customization have entered the mainstream for most every type of relationship. Yet many men approach nonmonogamy with little emotional preparation and a lot of inherited myths about masculinity, sex, power, and attachment. For some, nonmonogamy becomes a path toward authenticity and deeper intimacy. For others, it becomes a reenactment of avoidance, secrecy, or unhealed wounds.
This article is not an argument for or against nonmonogamy. Instead, it’s an invitation for men to slow down, reflect honestly, and understand what navigating nonmonogamy actually requires psychologically, emotionally, and relationally. If you’re considering nonmonogamy, already practicing it, or simply trying to understand why it appeals to you (or others), this post is for you.
Nonmonogamy is an umbrella term that refers to relationship structures in which people consensually engage in romantic or sexual connections with more than one partner. In the U.S., 4-5% of relationships at any given time are made up of individuals engaging in ethical non-monogamy. The key word here is consensual. Ethical nonmonogamy (often shortened to ENM) is fundamentally different from cheating in that both parties agree to the terms and rules of their particular form of ENM. For this post, the terms ENM and nonmonogamy will be used interchangeably, but there can be various forms.
Some common forms include:
These structures vary widely, and no single version fits everyone. What matters most is not the label but the level of honesty, consent, communication, and care involved.
Why ENM Can Be Especially Complicated for Men
Many grow up learning that:
When these lessons collide with nonmonogamy, the results can be confusing and painful. Nonmonogamous relationships tend to require the very skills many men were discouraged from developing: emotional literacy, clear communication, self-reflection, and the capacity to tolerate discomfort without shutting down or acting out.
Additionally, men are often granted more sexual permission culturally, while simultaneously being denied emotional permission. This creates a dangerous imbalance. A man may feel justified pursuing multiple sexual partners while lacking the tools to manage the emotional impact this behavior has on him or his partners.
In therapy, I often see men who are ambivalent to open relationships because they are struggling with:
Nonmonogamy can surface these issues – but it does not automatically resolve them.
This episode of the Men’s Therapy Podcast features Eliot Andre TRS, CLC. He is the founder of Connected Roots, a therapy practice that supports individuals exploring alternative lifestyles like non-monogamy. He shares profound insights into the evolving landscape of modern relationships. Drawing from his decade plus on clinical practice and seven years of personal experience in ethical non-monogamy, Eliot offers a unique perspective on navigating alternative lifestyles
One of the most important therapeutic questions for men considering nonmonogamy is this:
Am I moving toward something, or away from something?
Some men are genuinely oriented toward abundance, openness, and relational honesty. Others are unconsciously trying to escape boredom, conflict, grief, or fear of vulnerability. These motivations can look identical on the surface but lead to very different outcomes.
Nonmonogamy rooted in avoidance often shows up as:
In contrast, nonmonogamy rooted in intention tends to involve:
Neither path is about being a “good” or “bad” man. But clarity about motivation matters, because avoidance doesn’t disappear when relationships multiply. It multiplies, too.
Inside the MTO Slack community, men are having real conversations about
attachment, jealousy, autonomy, commitment, and the parts of themselves that get activated in modern relationships.
No posturing. No ideological purity tests.
Just grounded dialogue and accountability.
If you’re questioning your relationship structure
or wrestling with what you actually want, don’t do it alone.
Jealousy is often treated as a flaw or a failure, especially for men. Many believe that being “secure” means feeling nothing at all. In reality, jealousy is a complex emotional signal that often points to unmet needs, fears of loss, or threats to identity.
In nonmonogamous relationships, jealousy is not a sign that something has gone wrong, but rather it serves as useful information. The problem arises when men respond to jealousy with:
A healthier approach involves learning to ask:
Men who learn to stay present with jealousy, rather than suppress or project it, often report increased emotional resilience and self-trust, regardless of relationship structure.
Attachment theory offers a powerful lens for understanding why nonmonogamy feels liberating to some men and destabilizing to others.
Nonmonogamy does not create attachment wounds, but when engaged in it will reliably expose them. This does not mean that identifying an insecure pattern of attachment means you are not able to engage in nonmonogamy, but it does mean there will be work both internally and interpersonally to help support one. For men willing to do the work, the exposure can become a powerful catalyst for healing. For those unwilling, it can deepen old patterns of disconnection.
One of the most common misconceptions men have about nonmonogamy is that it’s primarily about sex. In practice, it’s primarily about communication, and a lot of it. Relationship satisfaction in consensually nonmonogamous partnerships is strongly associated with trust, explicit agreements, and ongoing communication rather than exclusivity. While some open relationships might primarily be focused on sex rather than forming emotional relationships, it is important to talk about emotional boundaries and ways to keep the goals of all partners aligned.
If this seems like a lot of communication, it can be! The idea here is that this communication feels less like work as the results are gratifying for all involved.
Healthy nonmonogamous relationships require ongoing conversations about:
This level of communication can feel overwhelming, especially for men who were never taught how to name feelings beyond anger or indifference. Many discover that the real challenge isn’t jealousy or logistics but rather learning how to speak honestly without defensiveness.
There are some instances where the work lies in being able to avoid over-communicating (e.g., constantly checking if the other partner is “okay,” reporting every thought or movement outside of the primary relationship, etc). Over-communicating often comes as a result of internalized guilt or shame about the actions of nonmonogamy. Part of trust within a secure relationship is knowing your partner will tell you how they feel and do not need you to regulate their emotions for them.
A useful reframe I often offer clients is this:
On this episode of the Men’s Therapy Podcast, explore the transformative journey of Adam Darrow. He is the author of Seek the Risk. Adam’s book is a personal memoir that chronicles his experiences with polyamorous sex. It highlights his journey of extreme sports, and navigating modern masculinity challenges. He encourages people to embrace their authentic selves. Today, he continues to write and share his experiences, encouraging others to explore life beyond their comfort zones.
Nonmonogamy often intersects with men’s fears about adequacy and aging. Being desired by multiple partners can temporarily soothe insecurities about attractiveness, masculinity, or relevance. But when self-worth becomes dependent on external validation, the relief is short-lived. In fact, traditional masculine norms emphasizing sexual success and emotional control are associated with increased distress and relational strain, particularly when self-worth is externally validated.
Men may ask themselves:
These questions are not signs of weakness – they are signs of identity renegotiation. Healthy masculinity is not threatened by complexity. It is strengthened by self-awareness and accountability. In practice, these questions help us to understand our own notions and values related to ourselves more than it does our relationships.
Regardless of your level of monogamy, understanding that you can be in a secure relationship and still have thoughts, fantasies and desires is a key component of understanding our own psychology.
Nonmonogamy can exacerbate anxiety, depression, and trauma when:
Men are often less likely to seek support when struggling, which can lead to isolation and shame. Therapy can be especially valuable here, not to pathologize nonmonogamy, but to help men differentiate between relational stress and personal distress. Power dynamics in particular are worth understanding in your relationship as they can interfere with truthful communication. A partner who is worried about the perception of holding another partner back might agree to things to simply not make waves or to keep the status quo. In these situations, open relationships create more distance and isolation. Open relationships cannot function when rules feel demanding, rigid, or unbalanced.
Before opening a current relationship or entering a new nonmonogamous relationship, every man should consider these reflections:
Honest answers matter more than socially acceptable ones. Some of us might only be looking to be physically desired, others to find a solution to not feeling emotionally connected in our current relationship. These do not necessarily mean an open relationship is not for you, but it might mean there will be work involved in making it gratifying and sustainable.
If you’re circling questions about nonmonogamy and finding yourself
stuck in jealousy, guilt, resentment, or confusion, that’s not a sign you’re failing.
It’s a sign something deeper is asking for attention.
Individual coaching gives you a private space to sort out what you actually want versus what you’re reacting to.
We look at attachment patterns, blind spots, sexual identity, power dynamics, and
the narratives you’ve inherited about masculinity and worth.
Not to pathologize you. To sharpen you.
Before you open your relationship, close it, or blow it up, figure yourself out first.
Nonmonogamy is neither a shortcut to a “better” form of intimacy or relational enlightenment, nor a symptom of relational failure. It is a demanding relational path that asks men to grow in ways many were never encouraged to grow. When approached with humility, curiosity, and support, it can foster profound self-understanding. When approached without reflection, it can amplify harm.
Men deserve relationships that honor both their desire for connection and their need for autonomy. The task is not choosing the “right” structure (there is no one right structure!) but becoming the kind of man who understands what he wants and why.
If you are navigating ENM/polyamory/an open relationship and finding yourself overwhelmed, stuck, or ashamed, you are not alone. You are likely encountering parts of yourself that have long been waiting for attention. And that, in itself, can be the beginning of meaningful change.
Jack is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan specializing in therapy for those in the LGBTQ+ community. He has had several years of experience working with a diverse population with varied concerns in both inpatient and outpatient settings and completed his training at Columbia University.
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