Overcoming controlling patterns is, in my experience, one of the key elements to consider while recovering from addiction. These patterns are quite often present in so many areas of our lives that sometimes they can be hard to recognize, yet at times these might be pervasive enough that we can’t deny their presence and the ways they might be impacting our lives. From simple routine behaviors to impulsive patterns, our capacity to establish a sense of control over our environment and ourselves is both a natural, unconscious approach at times and, given the circumstances, can foster addictive patterns that could slide into much more complicated scenarios.
Throughout the last eight of my career as a therapist, I’ve worked with countless cases of men struggling with different addictions, in which I’ve become well acquainted with this dynamic between control and addiction. Such a consistent dynamic deserves deeper exploration, and my hope with this article is to shed some light in that regard.
Here we are going to discuss:
Take a moment to get settled and see if you can track briefly what happens within you when you think of controlling patterns and what this might have to do with addiction. Take this moment to bring a level of mindfulness to your experience while reading this article and recognize what reactions are taking place for you. Explore any discomfort and see if you can acknowledge these without spinning on narratives about it. This is an invitation to slow down for a moment, an invitation to breathe and feel, to recognize any distractions and impulses that could elicit the same controlling response that we are talking about, and to become familiar with the felt sense of these before we move on.
Alright, now let’s begin, let’s talk about control. What do I mean when I talk about controlling patterns, and what does it have to do with addiction? How could that happen? Maybe the situation begins much earlier than the addiction — maybe it begins at a time in our lives when we have less agency, less capacity to control our environment and tend to our needs. Yes, I am referring to that time period back then when you were a baby, at which point in time you certainly didn’t have much control over pretty much anything, not even your most basic biological needs. Now, this conversation could go down many ways from here, and maybe, if you are familiar with the concept of attachment, you might be making a connection there — but let’s stay with controlling behaviors and leave attachment for a later post, alright.
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I guess this is such a conflicting topic for many of us. I mean, let’s be honest — culturally speaking, men are most generally socialized to bypass their needs. Whether we are talking about emotional, physical, or mental needs, the idea of men expressing a need is quite often seen as wrong, maybe weak, or even unmanly. It is true that our modern conception regarding masculinity tends to be plagued with stoic ideas and principles that, while empowering and valuable in their own right, could also tend to generate an overall sense of dysregulation in our nervous systems and therefore generate an emotional response that might be hard to recognize.
Such reactions are hard to acknowledge as they can easily blend with the main principles and ideas of masculinity that we are exposed to from an early age. These are in general culturally defined and might sound something like “men don’t cry,” or “grow some balls,” or “suck it up and take it like a man.” Do these sound familiar? These, among many other similar thoughts, generally convey a basic belief system — i.e., your needs are irrelevant and you should be able to control your feelings and needs.
Following this kind of socialization easily slides into what I believe is the disruption of the main interface that leads to addiction. We stop becoming aware of what we need in order to appear to others as we believe we are supposed to appear. We try to show up as tough, as less affected by world circumstances, less affected by physical pain, less affected by emotional pain, etc., in a slippery slope that blinds us to what we feel in a pursuit of a masculine identity prescribed by a culture that sometimes doesn’t know better.
On this episode of the Men’s Therapy Podcast, host Marc Azoulay is joined by Peter Lear. In this episode, Marc and Peter discuss key issues: Social media addiction, marijuana addiction, and lost mentorship converge. This creates a masculinity crisis. It starts in adolescence but lingers into adulthood as anxiety, disengagement, and lost purpose.
Maybe you’re already guessing where this is going. The thing is that we can’t block the sun with our hands. The illusion of not seeing it does not take away its presence. Similarly, when it comes to needs, our biology and our unconscious will find their way to address these no matter how hard we try to avoid acknowledging them.
Now, addictive behaviors, how do we get from needs to addiction? Let’s note that whether it is a substance or some other behavior, the mechanisms that are at play are the same and entail an activation of the reward circuitry, especially dopamine-based signaling, which reinforces repeated seeking of the substance or behavior. One of the key features of most addictions is the immediate functioning of the behavior in providing a desired effect — in that whatever substance or behavior adopted will consistently deliver a sense of relief sometimes within a couple minutes. Whether it is a pleasurable sensation, an energy boost, or just a distracting sensation from whatever it is that might be bothering you at any given moment, the desired effect is felt very fast.
Let’s do a brief breakdown of what we have talked about so far:
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It is important to recognize that control, in a sense, gives us a feeling of enhanced agency. When we are able to do something about our circumstances, whatever that might be, we generally feel empowered and free to address the problems or circumstances as needed within our list of available sources. If these sources are defined by a stash of pills, or reaching into our pockets in order to mindlessly scroll for 30, 50, or 500 minutes, then the act is in itself an act of control over whatever it is that we are feeling at any given moment that drives us to engage in the behavior. The thing is that counterintuitively this act eventually can get out of our control, which then becomes known as an addiction.
But how do you overcome the controlling tendencies that fuel addiction? How do we move from impulsive behavior to effective copying? How do we tap into our agency without falling into a pattern of control that ultimately is out of our control?
Remember that opening mindfulness prompt? That is oftentimes a core first step in order to develop awareness of what are the triggers that could lead us to engage in the behavior. There are lots of resources out there that can help you step into this area. I personally use an app called Insight Timer, not a paid advertisement by the way. It has lots of resources, many of which are free. You can also look for in person offerings in your area. That’ll help you connect with other folks interested in this topic as well and help you connect with communities that might be aligned with your sobriety goals.
Let’s look at some other options out there.
Our dear friend and psychologist Abraham Maslow left us with a well-delineated map that we can reference at any given moment in order to assess our situation and recognize where we are as far as needs go.
Maslow’s hierarchy of needs delineates the process in which we are able to access different experiences and the needs that these generally entail. From down-to-earth basic biological needs to more sophisticated needs for self-actualization, I often use Maslow’s hierarchy to recognize the areas in which we might feel stuck or limited. For instance, you might have a stable job yet not feel particularly fulfilled and emotionally nourished by it. This is an example that I’ve seen so many times and generally unfolds into a pattern of drinking or maladaptive copying that usually worsens over time.
Once again remember that this is a tool but it might not always be the right tool. Feel free to use it as a reference and explore where you might be at any given moment. Maybe you are missing meaningful connections with important people in your life. Or maybe you’ve devoted a significant amount of time and energy to a project while neglecting other important areas. Sometimes we might need to address more than one area at the same time. That’s often the case with people struggling with the base layers of the model while yearning for support and meaningful connections with other humans.
Quite often the most important gesture lies on the relational field and our need to establish meaningful connections and nourishing relationships. Watch out, as controlling behaviors tend to show up in these areas causing interpersonal tension and problems. Developing effective communication awareness and skills can go a long way — and it begins with the willingness to be honest about what you are actually feeling and needing at any given moment.
When we have spent years suppressing our needs and operating from a place of emotional control, intimacy can feel threatening. Genuine connection requires vulnerability, and vulnerability requires the willingness to let go of control — even just a little. For men who have built their identity around self-sufficiency, this can feel deeply uncomfortable, even dangerous.
Developing effective communication skills is a crucial part of this process. Learning to name what you feel, to ask for what you need, and to tolerate the uncertainty of how others will respond are all acts of courage. They are also gestures that entail a release of our control in different situations, opening interactions for collaborative developments. The irony is that the more honestly we communicate, the more agency we tend to experience in our relationships, even if we feel less in control.
It can also be helpful to seek out communities of men who are doing this work. Whether through therapy, men’s groups, or recovery programs, being witnessed by other men who are also learning to be honest about their inner lives can break through the isolation that controlling patterns thrive in. Connection, it turns out, is not just emotionally beneficial — it is neurologically protective against addiction.
Here is a brief summary of what we have explored:
Yes, that was a quote from the Serenity Prayer, and it’s often recognized as one of the main principles in 12-Step programs. It is an echo that tells of the need to overcome control in order to overcome addiction. After all, those who have struggled with addiction know that if there’s one thing that is clear, it is the fact that when we become aware of it, we feel mostly out of control. The paradox, on the other hand, is that getting high gives us a pleasurable sensation that can feel like — for a moment — even if we are out of control, we were able to control the circumstances enough to feel good, whatever that might mean for you, even if it was for a few minutes.
The work of recovery, in many ways, is the work of learning to tolerate what we cannot control — and to find real agency in the choices we can actually make. If you are curious about this and would like to dive deeper feel free to reach out anytime to schedule a session.
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